9-21-08
One Flesh
Building a Joyful Marriage: Part 11
Genesis 2:24 

Summary: One flesh is the centerpiece of what the marriage relationship is to be.  It is a legal status as well as an ideal for which to strive. It is extreme closeness of every part of life in every way – closeness that is unique to the marriage relationship.  There are six ways to strive for it.  The first three are: 1) Seek grace from God, 2) Set your spouse as your highest earthly priority, and 3) Cultivate and nurture intimacy and emotional closeness so there is nothing between you relationally.  This requires a lot of loving communication. 

Introduction
The meaning of one flesh
Status and Ideal
Strive for, seek, nurture, cultivate…
1.	Grace (for this reason – what God has joined)
2.	Priorities (leave father and mother)
3.	Intimacy, emotional, relational closeness (time, talk, enjoyment) (united)
Communication
The key – talk and listen
Talk
Listen
Marks of a poor listener
Poor listening is lack of love
Love solves communication problems
Conclusion
Devotionals
Day 1: What does “one flesh” mean?
Day 2: Seek Grace
Day 3: Set Priorities & Become Joined at the Heart
Day 4: Communication
Talk
Day 5: Listen
Marks of a poor listener
 
Genesis 2:21 The LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Introduction
When man needed a companion and a helper (lit. a rescuer), God did not create another man.  God created a woman – a different kind of a person with different things to offer and a different role in the marriage.  A relationship with differing roles is more profound and beautiful and productive than a relationship between two people with the exact same role.  Harmony is more beautiful than unison.

Unity & diversity in the Trinity
The clash of conflicting diversity is ugly and the redundancy of total sameness is monotonous.  But complex, complimentary unity is beautiful.  And the reason it is beautiful is because it is a reflection of the Trinity.
The Trinity is one God in three persons.  A marriage is one flesh in two persons.  It is not the same kind of oneness, but it is similar enough to make marriage a unique reflection of the mysterious and marvelous combination of diversity and complexity within a unity that is in the Trinity.  Just as the interactions of mutual love and authority and submission within the Trinity make it more profound and more beautiful and glorious, so it is in marriage.  The mutual love and the willing interplay of differing roles create a harmony and a dance that transcends any other possible human relationship.
Satan’s attempt to flatten “binary” distinctions
That is why throughout human history Satan has worked so hard at gender confusion.  He wants to turn the dance into just two people walking around with no one taking the lead.  He wants to turn the symphony into just two dial tones.
That is why if you do any reading at all about the major trends in paganism you will see that one thing they most despise is what they call the “binary” system of traditional Christianity.  And what they mean by binary is the strict separation God makes between things that pagans would rather mix together; such as right and wrong, saved and lost, truth and error, and… male and female.  That is why the people who are trying to blur the lines between right and wrong are also militant in their promotion of homosexuality and the obliteration of gender distinctions. 
One flesh
But God’s way is better.  In this study we have seen the beauty of true masculinity and true femininity as God designed them.  And the stunning, God-reflecting beauty of marriage is seen when a real, masculine man and a truly feminine woman come together as one flesh.  Throughout this study I have not said much about the concept of one flesh.  In each passage I mostly skipped over that because Scripture emphasizes that concept so heavily that I wanted to devote an entire sermon just to that.  When God introduces marriage to us in the beginning of the Bible He says it is two people becoming one flesh (Gn.2:24).  When Jesus spoke of marriage in Matthew 19 and Mark 10 He said “the two will become one flesh.”  When Paul taught about marriage in Ephesians 5 he said, “the two will become one flesh.”  The concept of one flesh even comes up in 1 Corinthians 6 in the context of sexual purity.  One flesh is really the central hub around which the Bible instruction about marriage turns.  So obviously God is telling us that this is a very important matter.
So what does it mean?  Does one flesh refer to physical union, or emotional oneness, or being one in spirit and purpose, or having children, or what?  And what is the significance for us in the way we live together has husbands and wives on a day-to-day basis?  And what does it point to with regard to our relationship with God?
Back in part 4 of this series in July, we were studying God’s ideal for marriage in Genesis 2 and we studied the meaning of one flesh at that time.  I won’t re-plow that ground now.  The purpose of this sermon is to uncover what Scripture says about how to attain to the one flesh ideal for marriage.

The meaning of one flesh
So let me just quickly refresh your memory from our earlier study, and then we will take a look at how to attain one flesh intimacy.  
* We know one flesh involves your priorities and resolve, because it is connected with leaving father and mother for your spouse.  
* We know it involves emotional closeness and being easily influenced by each other because it is connected with the term “united” (a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife).
* We know it involves harmony and unity with each other because Paul speaks of it in the context of the functioning of a body.
* And we know it also includes sexual union because of 1 Corinthians 6:16.
So based on all that, here is how I would summarize what Scripture means by this term: The one-flesh relationship is a union of body, soul, spirit, mind, will, affections, purpose, priority, motive, direction, possessions, and every other part of life in a degree and kind of oneness that is unique to the marriage relationship and that is designed to display the union of Christ and the Church.  It is both a positional status possessed by all married couples and an ideal toward which all couples should strive.
And if all that is too much verbiage, the essence of it is this: One flesh means being super-close to each other in every way – much closer than any other human relationship. 

Status and Ideal
Status
The one flesh relationship is the work of God that takes place the moment a couple gets married.

Matthew 19:5 … the two will become one flesh' 6…Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.

So according to Jesus, one flesh refers to the status of having been joined together by God.  There is a legal, positional aspect to it.
In the eyes of the state marriage is only a legal status.  That is all it is.  The State of Colorado has the power to take two people and make them one legally.  And that legal status says nothing about the way you live your life.  The State of Colorado does not care if you sleep in separate bedrooms or if you are having lots of arguments, or if your husband is a poor listener or if you go on walks together – any of that.  None of that has anything to do with whether you are married in the eyes of the state or not.  It is a legal status.
What about before God?  Does “one flesh” refer to a legal status before God regardless of the condition of the relationship?  Yes, I believe it does.  And I say that because Jesus applied it specifically to couples who want a divorce.

Matthew 19:3-6 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" 4 "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' 5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." 

Even the worst marriage relationship – where the couple is about to get a divorce – even that couple is one flesh.  Even if you hate each other and yell at each other and live in separate houses and have nothing in common, still, you have been joined together by God, and you have one flesh status in His sight.  You are registered in heaven as one.  Regardless of how you feel or how things appear – if you are legally married you have one-flesh status before God and that is something to be taken very seriously.
Striving for the ideal
That is not to say, however, that what Scripture means by one flesh is an issue of legal status only.  Like so many things in the Christian life, even though we all have the positional status; we must still strive to live up to that status practically and to bring our practice into line with our position. 
You see, it is possible to have a legal status and at the same time fail to live up to it.  If a person is elected president of the United States then he is president regardless of how he acts.  It is an official position.  However that is not to suggest that it doesn’t matter how he behaves.  If he fails to behave as a president, and never signs or vetoes bills, never appoints judges, never does anything the President is supposed to do, he is still legally the president, but he is falling short of acting as president.  That is how our one-flesh status is.  It is something we have, yet we still need to work at it and strive to live up to it.
And that is the topic for this morning – what does it look like for a couple to strive to live up to their one-flesh status?  As I have studied all these passages that use the term “one flesh” I have found six aspects of oneness that Scripture calls us to strive for and seek after.  If you nurture and cultivate these six things, your marriage will make progress toward the Genesis 2 ideal that properly displays the relationship between God and His people.  Let’s start in Genesis 2:24.

Strive for, seek, nurture, cultivate…
1.	Grace (for this reason – what God has joined)
Notice the first three words: For this reason…  Man and wife become one flesh for a certain reason, and that reason is what he just said in the previous verses and those verses are a description of the way God created the man and woman.  The point is, one-flesh union is by God’s design.  It is a divine act not a human act, and therefore it requires grace from God to attain.  Remember, Jesus said a couple is one flesh because God joined them together.  The uniting of two souls is not something that can be accomplished humanly, apart from special grace.  So step one in living up to your own flesh status is to seek grace from God.  And if you bypass point #1 and try to use the other five points to obtain closeness, you will fail.
The most important step in improving your marriage or any other spiritual goal is to seek grace from God.  And grace from God comes primarily through prayer, Scripture, and fellowship.  That is where you go to solve marriage problems and every other kind of spiritual problem, because those are the ways God prefers to distribute His grace to us.
The first one is obvious - prayer.  If you want grace from God, ask Him for it.  There is a whole lot of grace that you need that God will not give you until you ask for it in fervent, earnest, persistent prayer.  That way when we get it we realize where it came from.  So pray earnestly and often for the grace you need in your marriage.  And pray hard for the marriages in your small group.
Secondly, if you want to improve your marriage, go to Scripture.  The instructions from Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 are better than all of the secular marriage advice in the whole world put together.  Grace comes through the power of God’s Word, not human wisdom.  All truth is God’s truth but not all truth is God’s Word, and it is God’s Word that He has promised to be the primary means of delivering His grace to us.  That is why I am preaching this series.  When the leadership of Agape discussed what we could do to help strengthen the marriages in this church, we had a few ideas, but we all agreed that the greatest help would be preaching.  What our marriages need more than anything else is the grace that comes to us through God’s Word.  If you missed a week, I would urge you to get the CD.  And if there was as sermon that was especially convicting, get that CD or the notes and keep studying through it until it starts to take hold in your life.
The third way to get grace is fellowship.  1 Peter 4:10 says that believers are stewards of God’s grace.  He dispenses His grace to you through us (and to us through you).  The reason you come to church is not just to get a sermon or to sing praises.  A huge reason why it is important to be immersed in the church is because so much of God’s grace is not available to you unless you get it through the spiritual gifts of the saints.  If you have the attitude that, “It’s just me and the Holy Spirit, and that’s all I need,” you need to take another look at the New Testament.  The Church is the Temple – the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit.  If you want to meet Him and experience Him and receive grace from Him and be near Him a huge part of that will require fellowship.  There is a lot of grace that you just will not be able to get unless you get it through fellowship in the church.
So if you are having struggles in your marriage and you never say anything about it to your small group, you are crazy.  That is just foolish.  We tend to be so reluctant to ask our friends for help with our marriages.  Tracy and I will have some struggle, and we are so slow to talk about it with friends or to seek counsel – even though we are surrounded with wise people, and we know that God gives grace that way.
Just think about the foolishness of that.  What task do you have in life that is more difficult than marriage?  Are we so proud and self-confident that we imagine we need no help for such a difficult task?  God says to us, “Husbands, love your wives like Christ loves the Church” and we say, “Oh, piece of cake.  I can easily pull that off on my own.  I don’t need any encouragement or exhortation or strengthening or reproof or admonition or counsel or advice or instruction.  I don’t even need anyone praying for me.  I need the rest of the body of Christ when it comes to other things, but loving my wife like Christ loved the church – I’ve got that down pat.”
Or wives – “Submit to a limited, fallible, weak, sinful human man in the same way the Church submits to Christ?  And do so with a genuine attitude of deep respect and honor?  Piece of cake – I don’t need any help from anyone.”
Who are we kidding?  If the process of - bearing one another’s burdens and - strengthening one another and - praying for one another and - exhorting one another is needed in any area it is needed in marriage.  God gives grace mainly through prayer, Scripture, and fellowship; leave one of them out and you will not have the grace you need.
2.	Priorities (leave father and mother)
So that is the starting point – seek grace from God.  The second thing we need to strive for is in the next phrase of Genesis 2:24.

Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother …

The one-flesh relationship is something that follows from leaving father and mother.  And if you remember our study of Genesis 2 you recall that that points to priority.
If you want one-flesh closeness in your marriage then resolve to make your spouse your highest earthly priority.  Ask your wife, “Is there anything or anyone in my life that seems like it’s pushing you out of the number one position in my priorities?  Does it look to you like there is something else in my life that is a higher priority than you?”
And if you can’t have that discussion without it turning into a fight, ask for some help from your small group leader or some other friends in the church.  A wise, godly couple (or two) can be a great help in discerning whether there is a blind spot or unrealistic expectations, or whatever.  And you may even find that God has carried that couple through exactly that same struggle in the past.
3.	Intimacy, emotional, relational closeness (time, talk, enjoyment) (united)
So start by seeking grace from God.  Then make sure your spouse is your highest earthly priority.  Then the third pursuit.  This one we see in the next phrase in verse 24.

Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife…

The word “united” points to intimacy – the joining of your hearts.  When Solomon was united to (same word) his pagan wives it turned his heart after false gods.  So whoever you are united to is the one who has powerful influence on the direction of your heart.  You are joined at the heart and easily influenced by each other.
And it is also an emotional term.  In Genesis 34:3 it goes along with love and tender, romantic speech that touches the emotions.
There should be an emotional closeness in marriage – the sense that all is well between you.  You are at peace – she is not mad at you; you are not mad at her.  There is no lingering, festering bitterness.  Nothing that makes you reluctant to give the deepest expressions of love and affection.  Nothing that steals any of the warmth of your kisses.  And when any of that does arise, you go after it with diligence and urgency until the problem is gone and full intimacy is restored.  And if you can’t seem to pull that off, get some help!

Communication
It is almost a cliché to talk about the importance of communication in marriage for developing intimacy.  Some truths are so self-evident they are obvious even to the world.  If my inner man is going to have closeness with your inner man, the only way it is going to happen is if that which is in my heart is somehow transported into your heart and vice-versa.  And communication is the only way to do that.
So the marriage writers and speakers and experts are right to suggest that communication is crucial.  Where they are less helpful, however, is when they reduce it to manipulation techniques - (“communicate this way in order to get this response from your spouse”).
To the writing of books on communication techniques there is no end.  And I am not interested in getting into a huge discussion about all the various theories.  My theory is very simple: communicate with love.  I think that will take care of 99% of communication problems.  When you open your mouth, do it for your spouse’s benefit.  First make sure there is love in your heart, and then make sure the reason you are opening your mouth is to communicate that love.  And if there isn’t love in your heart, go back to part one of this series, when we talked about how to increase your love.
The key to communication is not tricks to make it seem like you love your spouse.  The key to communication is actual love.

The key – talk and listen
And as long as we are being simplistic here, let me say this: From all my studies on communication I would say that if you want to have excellent communication in a marriage, there are two things you need to do: talk and listen.  I am no expert, but I think I’m safe in saying that much.

Talk
One of the most common ways couples express hostility toward each other is through the silent treatment.  And let’s get this straight right now – the silent treatment is sin - period.  It is not a tool that is at our disposal as Christians.  So if you ever find yourself doing it, if you are a true Christian it should be followed by genuine repentance and asking your spouse for forgiveness.
Can we all agree on this statement: If there is a moment when the loving thing to do would be to talk, then at that moment it is unloving not to talk?  If there is ever a moment when the most loving thing to do would be to talk, and you do not talk, that is unloving.  Talking may not always be the loving thing to do.  But when it is, then it is sin not to talk.  Using silence or short, terse speech to take out your anger on your spouse is sin.
And if you think, “Well, he should have picked up on my body language,” that is not only unloving, but it is just…silly.  Why should he have to interpret your body language when God gave you a mouth?  There are some people who prefer non-verbal communication, and they love to send messages through body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, eyebrows, whatever, and they are forever reading things into other people’s body language.  That would make sense if we were animals.  If we couldn’t speak or write or use language, then we would have to make do with body language for our communication.  But why revert to such an inaccurate, imprecise means of communication when God has given us mouths?  To communicate in cryptic, vague, ambiguous forms when God has given us the ability to communicate with clarity and directness is both foolish and unloving. 
And it is ungodly.  God does not communicate like that.  The ability to talk is part of what it means to be in the image of God.  Despite what it looks like in the movies, no animals are capable of language – only human beings.  Even the most intelligent animals are nowhere close to the level of intelligence required to have the language skills of even a 3-year-old child.  In the beginning was the Word – the communication from God.  God is a speaking God and bearing His image means having the high privilege and responsibility of using language.
If you need some time to be alone and think, then lovingly say that to your spouse – “I need some time to think about this.”  If you don’t have time to talk about it right then, lovingly say that.  If you don’t know how to put your thoughts into words, lovingly say, “I’m sorry, but right now I’m not sure exactly how to put my thoughts into words.”  But don’t ever just clam up to punish your spouse.  Don’t ever just walk away.
What is it in the flesh that wants to stay silent when a few words could avoid a big crisis?  When you are angry or irritated there are times when you could say two sentences to clear something up, but in your flesh you think, “I shouldn’t have to clear this up.  He should have understood it the first time, or he’s not listening to me, so I’m just not going to say anything else.  I’ll just let him be confused.”  That is pure wickedness.
And this is a problem with both men and women – but usually for different reasons.  Very often men fail to talk when they should just because they are lazy.  Talking is harder for us men, and we get tired of doing it all day at work, and so when we come home we are too lazy to put forth the effort.
For women it is not so much laziness as unwillingness.  Very often women want their husbands to understand them and to know them deeply, and so sometimes they’ll say, “If he loved me, he would know what I want him to do right now.”  Wives, if you think that way your focus is completely backward.  Your job is not to see to it that your husband loves you properly.  Your job is to see to it that you love your husband properly.  The next time you find yourself thinking, “If he loved me he would…” - catch yourself right there in mid-sentence and say, “No! The question is not what he would do if he loved me, but rather what I would do if I loved him.” Don’t think, “If he loved me he would do this.”  Think, “If I loved him, what would I do?”  And the answer is, “If I loved him I would tell him what’s on my heart instead of expecting him to read my mind.”
“But I want to be known so deeply and so thoroughly that the one who loves me can know what I desire without being told.”  If that is what you want – if you long to be known that thoroughly, then enjoy the fact that God knows you that way.  Enjoy being loved by God that way.  And then let your joy from that overflow into passing God’s love on to your husband and pouring out love from your heart to your husband.  And then your joy will be full no matter what your husband does.
I really don’t think most couples need to read books on communication.  Most people I know can communicate very clearly when they are willing to.  Not long ago I had a couple come to me for marriage counseling, and when they arrived they were both upset because they had a fight on the way.  On the drive over they had argued, and both misunderstood the other.  But it wasn’t because they were incapable communicators.  I know that because when they explained the issue to me not only could I understand with no problem, but both of them understood what the other was saying just fine.  You see, they had the ability to be clear.  The problem was not lack of ability to be clear; the problem was lack of willingness to be clear – lack of love.  When they spoke to me they went through the trouble of being clear, but they wouldn’t extend each other that courtesy.  Either that or they weren’t listening to each other.  And that is the other component of communication.

Listen
Listen to your spouse.  Poor listening is a real problem - especially for us men.  So many wives are frustrated because they feel their husbands don’t listen to them.  And that is awful, because if we are to live with our wives in an understanding way, failure to be a good listener derails that effort completely.  You cannot live with her in an understanding way if you don’t listen to her.

Marks of a poor listener
Poor listening is a hard problem to fix because most poor listeners are such poor listeners that they don’t even know they are poor listeners – because when people tell them they are poor listeners, they don’t listen!  Usually what they do instead is talk.

Proverbs 18:13 He who answers before listening-- that is his folly and his shame.

Premature answering is the mark of a fool.

Proverbs 15:28 The mind of the righteous person thinks before answering, but the mouth of the wicked blurts out evil things.

The reason good listeners do not answer too fast is because it takes some time to really take to heart what a person is saying.  Listening is more than just interpreting the words.  It involves taking the thoughts to heart.  That is why Scripture speaks of God listening to some prayers and not listening to others.  God is aware of all prayers.  He could repeat them back word for word.  But He does not listen to all prayers in the sense that He does not give all prayers favorable consideration.  He does not allow His heart to be moved by all prayers.  Just because you can repeat back everything your wife just said, does not in itself mean you are listening.  Listening involves interest and favorable consideration and allowing the person’s words to sink down into your heart.
That is why premature responses are an indication that you haven’t really listened.  In fact, one of the habits of poor listeners can be quick apologies.  She tells you something you did that hurt her, and before the words are even all the way out of her mouth you are already saying, “I’m sorry.”  Sometimes “I’m sorry” can really mean, “OK, I admit I was in the wrong, now let’s just forget about it and move on.”  When she tells you about something you have done that has hurt her she isn’t always just looking for an “I’m sorry.”  She may be looking for some understanding as to how it hurt her and how she feels.  And so initially maybe a better response than “I’m sorry” would be to talk with her about it and explore more deeply how it affected her and how she feels about it.  That way when you apologize she knows that you understand what it is you are apologizing for.  Answering before you fully listen is the activity of a fool even when your answer is, “I’m sorry.”
Another form of poor listening is firing off glib solutions off the top of your head for her problems.  We husbands are famous for that.  When you offer a solution after thinking about it for all of two seconds it belittles her concern.  Helping her solve her problems is part of your role as husband, but it is not your only role.  Sympathy and compassion and understanding and love are also part of your role.  So when your wife comes to you with a problem, first understand how she feels, then problem-solve.  Compassion then a solution is far more loving than just a solution.
And interested, quiet listening is itself an act of compassion and love.  Sometimes my wife is half-way through telling me something, and I think I already know the rest of what she’s going to say, and so I figure the loving thing to do is save her the trouble of having to finish her sentence.  And so I jump in and give a response before she’s even done talking.  As it turns out that is not a loving thing to do.  Not having to go through the trouble of finishing what you were going to say might seem like a wonderful thing to you, but it is not such a wonderful thing for her.  You see, the difference between you and her is she likes to talk.  She doesn’t want to be rescued from the burden of completing her sentences.
A lot of women need to express their thoughts verbally just to sort them out.  Men tend to think everything through in their mind, which is why they don’t want to talk as much, because if they tell you their thoughts that will be the second time they have had to go through it.  But a lot of times women need to talk something over with someone and express it verbally in order to think it through for the first time.  For some reason the ideas don’t come together and take shape until they start expressing them out loud to a good listener.
Other forms of poor listening are…
interrupting, 
closing your mind so that you won’t even consider the possibility that you might be wrong during the conversation, 
immediately defending yourself or launching a counter attack when you are rebuked, or
being overly picky about the technical meaning of the exact words she used and missing the emotional content. 

Poor listening is lack of love
And again, the main issue here is love.  There are a lot of reasons for why we are poor listeners, and most, if not all, stem from lack of love.  Sometimes we fail to listen because of disinterest.  We just don’t care.  You are telling me about your day, but I don’t care about your day.  I am just waiting for you to stop talking so I can tell you about my day.
If you have trouble being interested in what your spouse is talking about, remind yourself that God is interested.  And think of why He is interested.  Is it because He is learning something new?  Or because it is a challenge to His intellect?  Or because it is His favorite topic?  No.  He is interested in what is on your spouse’s heart for the same reason He is interested in listening to your prayers – because He loves you.
Interest is a function of love.  Put yourself in your wife’s shoes.  She has something in her heart that she wants someone else to take an interest in.  And if you take an interest, that will bring her joy.  So gauge the importance of what she is saying not on the basis of how interesting the information is, but on the fact that it is important to her.  And wives do the same with your husbands.

Love solves communication problems
So all that is to say the solution to communication problems is love.  If you just talk lovingly and listen lovingly you won’t have very many communication problems, and the way to talk and listen lovingly is to actually love your spouse.  Where there is love there is a genuine desire to lovingly communicate.
Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building your spouse up according to their needs, that it may benefit them (Eph.4:29).  Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, hostility, and be kind and compassionate to each other, forgiving each other just as for Christ’s sake God forgave you (Eph.4:32).  The key to great communication is to talk and listen with love.
And so when you fall short – repent.  Recognize unloving speech or unloving silence or unloving listening for the sin that it is and repent and ask your spouse for forgiveness and take steps to change your heart.  So many sins in marriages go unconfessed and unrepented of, because they are so common that we convince ourselves that they are not really sin.  Did you know it is a sin to be in a bad mood?  So if you realize you have been in a bad mood, repent before God, seek your joy in the Lord, and then ask your spouse to forgive you.  Do everything you can to pursue closeness with your spouse.

Conclusion
So, how do we go about living up to our one-flesh status?  Seek grace from God, set your spouse as your highest earthly priority, and cultivate and nurture intimacy and emotional, relational closeness – and that happens mostly through lots of loving communication.  Those three we see in Genesis 2.  There are three more that we see in the New Testament, and we will take a look at those next time.
For now let us close our time by thinking about what this principle teaches us about God.  Of all the ways marriage reflects the relationship between God and His people, which is more wonderful than this one?  Intimacy, emotional closeness, having nothing between you – nothing that puts any distance between you.  It is a horrible thing to have your spouse be angry with you, right?  How much worse to have God angry with you!  Are there any words in the Bible more devastating than Romans 1:18?

The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men 

What could possibly be worse than to have Almighty God angry with you, and to be estranged from Him?  Nothing.  There is nothing worse than that.
And so what words could possibly be sweeter than the words four chapters later:

Romans 5:1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ

What words could be more precious than …

Colossians 1:19 For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in (Christ Jesus), 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. 21 Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. 22 But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation-- 23 if you continue in your faith

What could possibly be more astonishing and breathtaking and delightful to our souls than the combination of verses 4 and 11 of Psalm 4?

Psalm 41:4,11 O LORD … I have sinned against you."  … 11 I know that you are pleased with me 

Never be content to live with emotional distance or strife in your marriage.  Fight with everything that is in you until the day you die to live up to the amazing mystery of being one flesh with your spouse so you can reflect the peace and intimacy that Christ died to enable between God and His people.

Benediction – 2 Corinthians 5:18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20 We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God.

Devotionals
Day 1: What does “one flesh” mean?

* We know one flesh involves your priorities and resolve, because it is connected with leaving father and mother for your spouse.
* We know it involves emotional closeness and being easily influenced by each other because it is connected with the term “united”…(a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife).
* We know it involves harmony and unity with each other because Paul speaks of it in the context of the functioning of a body.
* And we know it also includes sexual union because of 1 Corinthians 6:16.
So based on all that, here us how I would summarize what Scripture means by this term: The one-flesh relationship is a union of body, soul, spirit, mind, will, affections, purpose, priority, motive, direction, possessions, and every other part of life in a degree and kind of oneness that is unique to the marriage relationship and that is designed to display the union of Christ and the Church.  It is both a positional status possessed by all married couples and an ideal toward which all couples should strive.  And if all that is too much verbiage, the essence of it is this: One flesh means being super-close to each other in every way – much closer than any other human relationship.  The one-flesh relationship is the work of God that takes place the moment a couple gets married.

Matthew 19:5 … the two will become one flesh' 6…Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.

So according to Jesus, one flesh refers to the status of having been joined together by God.  There is a legal, positional aspect to it.
In the eyes of the state marriage is only a legal status.  That is all it is.  The State of Colorado has the power to take two people and make them one legally.  And that legal status says nothing about the way you live your life.  The State of Colorado does not care if you sleep in separate bedrooms or if you are having lots of arguments, or if your husband is a poor listener or if you go on walks together – any of that.  None of that has anything to do with whether you are married in the eyes of the state or not.  It is a legal status.  
What about before God?  Does “one flesh” refer to a legal status before God regardless of the condition of the relationship?  Yes, I believe it does.  And I say that because Jesus applied it specifically to couples who want a divorce.

Matthew 19:3-6 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" 4 "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' 5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." 

Even the worst marriage relationship – where the couple is about to get a divorce – even that couple is one flesh.  Even if you hate each other and yell at each other and live in separate houses and have nothing in common, still, you have been joined together by God, and you have one flesh status in His sight.  You are registered in heaven as one.  Regardless of how you feel or how things appear – if you are legally married you have one-flesh status before God and that is something to be taken very seriously.
Striving for the ideal
That is not to say, however, that what Scripture means by one flesh is an issue of legal status only.  Like so many things in the Christian life, even though we all have the positional status; we must still strive to live up to that status practically and to bring our practice into line with our position. 
You see, it is possible to have a legal status and at the same time fail to live up to it.  If a person is elected president of the United States then he is president regardless of how he acts.  It is an official position.  However that is not to suggest that it doesn’t matter how he behaves.  If he fails to behave as a president, and never signs or vetoes bills, never appoints judges, never does anything the President is supposed to do, he is still legally the president, but he is falling short of acting as president.  That is how our one-flesh status is.  It is something we have, yet we still need to work at it and strive to live up to it.
And that is the topic for this morning – what does it look like for a couple to strive to live up to their one-flesh status?  As I have studied all these passages that use the term “one flesh” I have found six aspects of oneness that Scripture calls us to strive for and seek after.  If you nurture and cultivate those six things, your marriage will make progress toward the Genesis 2 ideal that properly displays the relationship between God and His people.

Day 2: Seek Grace

Notice the first three words of Genesis 2:24: For this reason…  Man and wife become one flesh for a certain reason, and that reason is what he just said in the previous verses.  And those verses are a description of the way God created the man and woman.  The point is, one-flesh union is by God’s design.  It is a divine act not a human act, and therefore it requires grace from God to attain.  Remember, Jesus said a couple is one flesh because God joined them together.  The uniting of two souls is not something that can be accomplished humanly, apart from special grace.  So step one in living up to your own flesh status is to seek grace from God.  And if you bypass point #1 and try to use the other five points to obtain closeness, you will fail.
The most important step in improving your marriage or any other spiritual goal is to seek grace from God.  And grace from God comes primarily through prayer, Scripture, and fellowship.  That is where you go to solve marriage problems and every other kind of spiritual problem, because those are the ways God prefers to distribute His grace to us.
The first one is obvious - prayer.  If you want grace from God, ask Him for it.  There is a whole lot of grace that you need that God will not give you until you ask for it in fervent, earnest, persistent prayer.  That way when we get it we realize where it came from.  So pray earnestly and often for the grace you need in your marriage.  And pray hard for the marriages in your small group.
Secondly, if you want to improve your marriage, go to Scripture.  The instructions from Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 are better than all of the secular marriage advice in the whole world put together.  Grace comes through the power of God’s Word, not human wisdom.  All truth is God’s truth but not all truth is God’s Word, and it is God’s Word that He has promised to be the primary means of delivering His grace to us.  That is why I am preaching this series.  When the leadership of Agape discussed what we could do to help strengthen the marriages in this church, we had a few ideas, but we all agreed that the greatest help would be preaching.  What our marriages need more than anything else is the grace that comes to us through God’s Word.  If you missed a week, I would urge you to get the CD.  And if there was as sermon that was especially convicting, get that CD or the notes and keep studying through it until it starts to take hold in your life.
And then the third way to get grace is fellowship.  1 Peter 4:10 says that believers are stewards of God’s grace.  He dispenses His grace to you through us (and to us through you).  The reason you come to church is not just to get a sermon or to sing praises.  A huge reason why it is important to be immersed in the church is because so much of God’s grace is not available to you unless you get it through the spiritual gifts of the saints.  If you have the attitude that, “It’s just me and the Holy Spirit, and that’s all I need,” you need to take another look at the New Testament.  The Church is the Temple – the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit.  If you want to meet Him and experience Him and receive grace from Him and be near Him a huge part of that will require fellowship.  There is a lot of grace that you just won’t be able to get unless you get it through fellowship in the church.
So if you are having struggles in your marriage and you never say anything about it to your small group, you are crazy.  That is just foolish.  We tend to be so reluctant to ask our friends for help with our marriages.  Tracy and I will have some struggle, and we are so slow to talk about it with friends or to seek counsel – even though we are surrounded with wise people, and we know that God gives grace that way.
Just think about the foolishness of that.  What task do you have in life that is more difficult than marriage?  Are we so proud and self-confident that we imagine we need no help for such a difficult task?  God says to us, “Husbands, love your wives like Christ loves the Church” and we say, “Oh, piece of cake. I can easily pull that off on my own.  I don’t need any encouragement or exhortation or strengthening or reproof or admonition or counsel or advice or instruction.  I don’t even need anyone praying for me.  I need the rest of the body of Christ when it comes to other things, but loving my wife like Christ loved the church – I’ve got that down pat.”
Or wives – “Submit to a limited, fallible, weak, sinful human man in the same way the Church submits to Christ?  And do so with a genuine attitude of deep respect and honor?  Piece of cake – I don’t need any help from anyone.”
Who are we kidding?  If the process of - bearing one another’s burdens and - strengthening one another and - praying for one another and - exhorting one another is needed in any area it is needed in marriage.  God gives grace mainly through prayer, Scripture, and fellowship; leave one of them out and you will not have the grace you need.
Day 3: Set Priorities & Become Joined at the Heart

The second thing we need to strive for is in the next phrase of Genesis 2:24.

Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother …

The one-flesh relationship is something that follows from leaving father and mother.  And if you remember our study of Genesis 2 you recall that that points to priority.
If you want one-flesh closeness in your marriage then resolve to make your spouse your highest earthly priority.  Ask your wife, “Is there anything or anyone in my life that seems like it’s pushing you out of the number one position in my priorities?  Does it look to you like there is something else in my life that is a higher priority than you?”
And if you can’t have that discussion without it turning into a fight, ask for some help from your small group leader or some other friends in the church.  A wise, godly couple (or two) can be a great help in discerning whether there is a blind spot or unrealistic expectations, or whatever.  And you may even find that God has carried that couple through exactly that same struggle in the past.
So start by seeking grace from God.  Then make sure your spouse is your highest earthly priority.  Then the third pursuit.  This one we see in the next phrase in verse 24.

Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife…

The word “united” points to intimacy – the joining of your hearts.  When Solomon was united to (same word) his pagan wives it turned his heart after false gods.  So whoever you are united to is the one who has powerful influence on the direction of your heart.  You are joined at the heart and easily influenced by each other.
It is also an emotional term.  In Genesis 34:3 it goes along with love and tender, romantic speech that touches the emotions.
There should be an emotional closeness in marriage.  The sense that all is well between you.  You are at peace – she is not mad at you; you are not mad at her.  There is no lingering, festering bitterness.  Nothing that makes you reluctant to give the deepest expressions of love and affection.  Nothing that steals any of the warmth of your kisses.  And when any of that does arise, you go after it with diligence and urgency until the problem is gone and full intimacy is restored.  And if you can’t seem to pull that off, get some help!

Day 4: Communication

My theory is very simple: communicate with love.  I think that will take care of 99% of communication problems.  When you open your mouth, do it for your spouse’s benefit.  First make sure there is love in your heart, and then make sure the reason you are opening your mouth is to communicate that love.  And if there isn’t love in your heart, go back to part one of this series, when we talked about how to increase your love.
The key to communication is not tricks to make it seem like you love your spouse.  The key to communication is actual love.  From all my studies on communication I would say that if you want to have excellent communication in a marriage, there are two things you need to do: talk and listen.

Talk
One of the most common ways couples express hostility toward each other is through the silent treatment.  And let’s get this straight right now – the silent treatment is sin - period.  It is not a tool that is at our disposal as Christians.  So if you ever find yourself doing it, if you are a true Christian it should be followed by genuine repentance and asking your spouse for forgiveness.
Can we all agree on this statement: If there is a moment when the loving thing to do would be to talk, then at that moment it’s unloving not to talk?  If there is ever a moment when the most loving thing to do would be to talk, and you do not talk, that is unloving.  Talking may not always be the loving thing to do.  But when it is, then it is sin not to talk.  Using silence or short, terse speech to take out your anger on your spouse is sin.
And if you think, “Well, he should have picked up on my body language,” that is not only unloving, but it is just…silly.  Why should he have to interpret your body language when God gave you a mouth?  There are some people who prefer non-verbal communication, and they love to send messages through body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, eyebrows, whatever, and they are forever reading things into other people’s body language.  That would make sense if we were animals.  If we couldn’t speak or write or use language, then we would have to make do with body language for our communication.  But why revert to such an inaccurate, imprecise means of communication when God has given us mouths?  To communicate in cryptic, vague, ambiguous forms when God has given us the ability to communicate with clarity and directness is both foolish and unloving. 
And it is ungodly.  God does not communicate like that.  The ability to talk is part of what it means to be in the image of God.  Despite what it looks like in the movies, no animals are capable of language – only human beings. Even the most intelligent animals are nowhere close to the level of intelligence required to have the language skills of even a 3-year-old child.  In the beginning was the Word – the communication from God.  God is a speaking God and bearing His image means having the high privilege and responsibility of using language.
If you need some time to be alone and think, then lovingly say that to your spouse – “I need some time to think about this.”  If you don’t have time to talk about it right then, lovingly say that.  If you don’t know how to put your thoughts into words, lovingly say, “I’m sorry, but right now I’m not sure exactly how to put my thoughts into words.”  But don’t ever just clam up to punish your spouse.  Don’t ever just walk away.
What is it in the flesh that wants to stay silent when a few words could avoid a big crisis?  When you are angry or irritated there are times when you could say two sentences to clear something up, but in your flesh you think, “I shouldn’t have to clear this up.  He should have understood it the first time, or he’s not listening to me, so I’m just not going to say anything else.  I’ll just let him be confused.”  That is pure wickedness.
And this is a problem with both men and women – but usually for different reasons.  Very often men fail to talk when they should just because they are lazy.  Talking is harder for us men, and we get tired of doing it all day at work, and so when we come home we are too lazy to put forth the effort.
For women it is not so much laziness as unwillingness.  Very often women want their husbands to understand them and to know them deeply, and so sometimes they’ll say, “If he loved me, he would know what I want him to do right now.”  Wives, if you think that way your focus is completely backward.  Your job is not to see to it that your husband loves you properly.  Your job is to see to it that you love your husband properly.  The next time you find yourself thinking, “If he loved me he would…” - catch yourself right there in mid-sentence and say, “No!  The question is not what he would do if he loved me, but rather what I would do if I loved him.”  Don’t think, “If he loved me he would do this.”  Think, “If I loved him, what would I do?”  And the answer is, “If I loved him I would tell him what’s on my heart instead of expecting him to read my mind.”
“But I want to be known so deeply and so thoroughly that the one who loves me can know what I desire without being told.”  If that is what you want – if you long to be known that thoroughly, then enjoy the fact that God knows you that way.  Enjoy being loved by God that way.  And then let your joy from that overflow into passing God’s love on to your husband and pouring out love from your heart to your husband.  And then your joy will be full no matter what your husband does.
I really don’t think most couples need to read books on communication.  Most people I know can communicate very clearly when they are willing to.  Not long ago I had a couple come to me for marriage counseling, and when they arrived they were both upset because they had a fight on the way.  On the drive over they had argued, and both misunderstood the other.  But it wasn’t because they were incapable communicators.  I know that because when they explained the issue to me not only could I understand with no problem, but both of them understood what the other was saying just fine.  You see, they had the ability to be clear.  The problem was not lack of ability to be clear; the problem was lack of willingness to be clear.  Lack of love.  When they spoke to me they went through the trouble of being clear, but they wouldn’t extend each other that courtesy.  Either that or they weren’t listening to each other.  And that is the other component of communication.

Day 5: Listen

Poor listening is a real problem - especially for men.  So many wives are frustrated because they feel their husbands don’t listen to them.  And that is awful, because if we are to live with our wives in an understanding way, failure to be a good listener derails that effort completely.  You cannot live with her in an understanding way if you don’t listen to her.

Marks of a poor listener
Poor listening is a hard problem to fix because most poor listeners are such poor listeners that they don’t even know they are poor listeners – because when people tell them they are poor listeners, they don’t listen!  Usually what they do instead is talk.

Proverbs 18:13 He who answers before listening-- that is his folly and his shame.

Premature answering is the mark of a fool.

Proverbs 15:28 The mind of the righteous person thinks before answering, but the mouth of the wicked blurts out evil things.

The reason good listeners do not answer too fast is because it takes some time to really take to heart what a person is saying.  Listening is more than just interpreting the words.  It involves taking the thoughts to heart.  That is why Scripture speaks of God listening to some prayers and not listening to others.  God is aware of all prayers.  He could repeat them back word for word.  But He does not listen to all prayers in the sense that He does not give all prayers favorable consideration.  He does not allow His heart to be moved by all prayers.  Just because you can repeat back everything your wife just said, does not in itself mean you are listening.  Listening involves interest and favorable consideration and allowing the person’s words to sink down into your heart.
There are a lot of reasons for why we are poor listeners, and most, if not all, stem from lack of love.  Sometimes we fail to listen because of disinterest.  We just don’t care.  You are telling me about your day, but I don’t care about your day.  I am just waiting for you to stop talking so I can tell you about my day.
If you have trouble being interested in what your spouse is talking about, remind yourself that God is interested.  And think of why He is interested.  Is it because He is learning something new?  Or because it is a challenge to His intellect?  Or because it is His favorite topic?  No.  He is interested in what is on your spouse’s heart for the same reason He is interested in listening to your prayers – because He loves you.
Interest is a function of love.  Put yourself in your wife’s shoes.  She has something in her heart that she wants someone else to take an interest in.  And if you take an interest, that will bring her joy.  So gauge the importance of what she is saying not on the basis of how interesting the information is, but on the fact that it is important to her.  And wives do the same with your husbands.
The solution to communication problems is love.  If you just talk lovingly and listen lovingly you won’t have very many communication problems.  And the way to talk and listen lovingly is to actually love your spouse.  Where there is love there is a genuine desire to lovingly communicate.
Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building your spouse up according to their needs, that it may benefit them (Eph.4:29).  Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, hostility, and be kind and compassionate to each other, forgiving each other just as for Christ’s sake God forgave you (Eph.4:32).  The key to great communication is to talk and listen with love.
And so when you fall short – repent.  Recognize unloving speech or unloving silence or unloving listening for the sin that it is and repent and ask your spouse for forgiveness and take steps to change your heart.  So many sins in marriages go unconfessed and unrepented of, because they are so common that we convince ourselves that they aren’t really sin.  Did you know it is a sin to be in a bad mood?  So if you realize you have been in a bad mood, repent before God, seek your joy in the Lord, and then ask your spouse to forgive you.  Do everything you can to pursue closeness with your spouse.
So, how do we go about living up to our one-flesh status?  Seek grace from God, set your spouse as your highest earthly priority, and cultivate and nurture intimacy and emotional, relational closeness.  And that happens mostly through lots of loving communication.  Those three we see in Genesis 2.  There are three more that we see in the New Testament, and we’ll take a look at those next time.
For now let’s close our time by thinking about what this principle teaches us about God.  Of all the ways marriage reflects the relationship between God and His people, which is more wonderful than this one?  Intimacy, emotional closeness, having nothing between you – nothing that puts any distance between you.  It is a horrible thing to have your spouse be angry with you, right?  How much worse to have God angry with you!  Are there any words in the Bible more devastating than Romans 1:18?

The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men 

What could possibly be worse than to have Almighty God angry with you, and to be estranged from Him?  Nothing.  There is nothing worse than that.
So what words could possibly be sweeter than the words four chapters later:

Romans 5:1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ

What words could be more precious than …

Colossians 1:19 For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in (Christ Jesus), 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. 21 Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. 22 But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation-- 23 if you continue in your faith

What could possibly be more astonishing and breathtaking and delightful to our souls than the combination of verses 4 and 11 of Psalm 4?

Psalm 41:4,11 O LORD … I have sinned against you."  … 11 I know that you are pleased with me 

Never be content to live with emotional distance or strife in your marriage.  Fight with everything that is in you until the day you die to live up to the amazing mystery of being one flesh with your spouse so you can reflect the peace and intimacy that Christ died to enable between God and His people.