9-7-08
The Attitude of Submission: Respect
Building a Joyful Marriage: Part 9
Ephesians 5:21-24, 33

Summary: Headship is not only authority, but leadership.  A leader inspires people to follow, leads by example and plans.  This is honoring to women.  Wives’ submission should be harmonious like a body, and eager like a person being rescued.  The attitude behind submission must be fear (the good kind, that leads to intimacy).  Fear your husband as an expression of your fear of Christ.

Introduction
1.	The Motive: Headship
Inspiring following
Leading by Example
Planning
Willing, harmonious submission
Like a body
Like a Savior
Honoring, not demeaning
Dance
Voluntary
The decision making process
2. The Attitude: Respect
Two kinds
Fear your husband or God?
Conclusion
Devotionals
2.	Inspiring following
3.	Leading by Example  613
Planning
4.	Willing, harmonious submission 852
Like a body
Like a Savior
Honoring, not demeaning
Dance
5.	Voluntary 965
The decision making process
6. The Attitude: Respect 559
Two kinds
8.	Fear your husband or God? 706

Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of fear of Christ. 22 Wives, to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 

33 Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must fear her husband. 

Introduction
 “Sarah Palin delivered.  An embattled vice presidential candidate, a novice on the national stage, the head of a family suffering its "ups and downs," the first-term Alaska governor rocked the GOP convention with a star-turning performance.”  That was the opening paragraph of the AP news article about Sarah Palin’s speech at the Republican National Convention Wednesday night.  When I read that my first thought was about how shocked the writers of that article, and 99% of the readers would probably be to find out that according to Scripture, there is nothing wrong with Sarah Palin, as a woman, being a vice presidential candidate, or a major figure on the political stage, or the governor of Alaska.  In fact, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with her being the President of the United States.  But if that line about her being the head of her home is true, that would be a terrible thing in God’s sight, and for her family.  The presidency of the United States is not a display of the relationship between God and His people, and so there is nothing wrong with having a woman in that role.  The family, however, is a sacred institution, much more important and more strategic and more powerful than the United States.  And it is designed specifically by God to illustrate some of the most wonderful truths about how the Lord interacts with His people.  And for that reason it is absolutely crucial that husbands love their wives as Christ loves the church, and that wives submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ.
We are in the midst of a study of what Scripture teaches about marriage, and we found last time that just as there were three aspects of loving that we especially emphasized for the men, there are three aspects of submitting that stand out as you read Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3.  And the first of those three answers the question “Why?”

1. The Motive: Headship

Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another in fear of Christ. 22 Wives, to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife…

The reason why wifely submission is so important has nothing to do with the husband’s ability or importance or wisdom or anything like that.  It is because of headship.  Jesus appointed your husband the head of your home – that is why you submit. 
Authority
Disobeying, rebelling against, or being disrespectful to your husband EQUALS disobeying, rebelling against, and being disrespectful to the Lord Jesus Christ.  This should go without saying, but there are probably some who need to hear it so let me say this directly.  Wives, you are not in a position to make demands on your husband.  It is never appropriate for you to tell your husband to do anything.  If you find yourself saying things like “Don’t do that,”  “Clean up the mess you made,”  “I told you to take out the trash,” you need to remind yourself that a subordinate is not in a position to talk that way to an authority.
You can ask him to do things, but when you do make sure it is a real asking and not a disguised telling.  You know what I mean by disguised telling?  That is when you put it in the form of a request, but in reality it is an order.  “Sweetheart, would you please clean up the garage?”  Sounds like a question, but if he tries to answer “no” he discovers in a hurry that it was not really a question.  If it is a true question your husband could answer either yes or no without you getting upset or going into a bad mood or getting depressed or scolding him or the silent treatment, or any other form of punishment.
A lot of women think it is their role to punish their husbands for bad behavior.  They say, “If I don’t do this he’ll never learn!”  He will never learn?  Is God not capable of teaching your husband?  It is not your job to teach your husband lessons by punishing him.  If you want to win your husband over to godliness 1 Peter 3 tells you how to do it.

1 Peter 3:1-2 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
You do not do it through badgering or punishing or teaching him lessons.  You do it through beauty – especially the beauty of purity and reverence and submissiveness. 
So unless your husband is directly requiring you to commit a sin, the Lord requires you to submit.  Some have taught that the phrase “in the Lord” in Ephesians 5 means you only have to submit to your husband when he is acting like the Lord would act.  In other words, only submit when you agree with your husband.  What would be the purpose of a command like that?  Of course you will go along with anyone when you agree with them – no matter who it is.  That is not submission; it is just agreement.  We do not need a command in the Bible to tell us to do the things we agree with.  The commands to submit are aimed specifically at the times we do not agree.  
Leadership
So that is the first part of headship - being the head means being the highest human authority in the home.  But headship is not just authority – it is also leadership.  Those passages that talk about Christ as the head of the Church are saying more than just “Jesus is the boss.”  Christ is the Head of the Church in the sense that He is the Leader that the Church is to follow.  “Wives submit to your husbands” means not only obeying his decisions, but also following his leadership.

Inspiring following
So what is leadership?  What is it exactly that the wives are supposed to follow?  What makes a person a leader?  If you read a dozen books on leadership you will probably find at least a dozen different definitions.  Most of them are very long and complex.  As I see it, a leader is someone people follow.  If people are following you, you are leading – whether you want to be or not.  And if people are not following you, you are not leading (even if you think you are).
And we should probably add that a leader is someone people willingly follow.  A despot is someone people follow because they have to.  A leader is someone people want to follow.  He motivates them and opens their eyes to what is so great about a certain course, and then he steps out and leads by example.  And people are inspired by both his vision and his example, and they are eager to follow him.
And there are different kinds of leaders.  Some are equipped to lead hundreds; others are equipped to lead millions.  I do not consider leadership to be one of my strongest areas of giftedness.  I am not one of those guys who can inspire huge crowds to follow.  Which is fine - we all have different gifts.  But whatever your giftedness, whether God calls you to lead thousands or millions or to mainly just be a follower in the body of Christ - one thing is for sure: if you are a married man you are called to be a leader for at least one.
So think of the qualities of a great leader, and apply that to the way you lead your wife.  Assess your approach to leadership.  Do you strive to discern God’s guidance, and then find a way to present that to your wife that will inspire her heart to be enthusiastic about following you in that path?  Or do you just argue?  Always remember - you are not only her authority.  You are also her leader.  Strive to become a better leader for her.  Learn what moves her heart and what inspires her and what motivates her.  The goal is not just to make all the wisest decisions for the family.  The goal is to lead the family in the wisest path, and to inspire them to joyfully follow.
So often a man will just sink down to the level of just trying to keep his wife from getting mad.  All he cares about is appeasing her and keeping her in as good a mood as possible.  As men we are sometimes tempted toward harsh domination, but other times we are tempted in the opposite direction – toward wimpy, spineless, groveling appeasement.  Neither one is spiritual leadership.  Our wives fall prey to their special temptations from the curse of wanting to seize control, and instead of lovingly, gently helping her rise up above that sin we just cave in to it and even enable it – just so there will be some peace and quiet.  That is not loving.  It is actually selfish, because it is doing something that is not in her best interests just to make life a little smoother for yourself.  That is the opposite of the selfless love of Ephesians 5.

Leading by Example  
So men, be leaders.  Lead like Jesus, who was the model of servant leadership and leading by example.

John 13:13-15 "You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 

Christ led the Church by example.  That is part of headship.  Your wife and children should know what it means to seek the Lord because they see you doing it.
They see you on your knees, they hear you pray, they see how well-worn your Bible is…
They see you go straight to Scripture whenever you have a problem…
They see how important fellowship is to you in comparison with other things…
They see you make decisions between corporate prayer and a Broncos game…
They see how you respond to people in need…
They hear you share the gospel with people…
They see how you behave in all kinds of settings…
They see what you watch on TV…
Nobody sees your life more than your family.  And so if your example is not enough to influence them, it is not enough to influence anyone.
John Piper said: “Leadership is something you are as much as something you do.  If you come out of your solitude with the aroma of Christ lingering in your life, your wife and children will sense intuitively that you are at the helm of the ship with God’s hand on your shoulder.  Leadership techniques and strategies are all in vain if the man has not been with God.  It’s what we become in solitude with God that makes us spiritual leaders.  If we fail here, we fail utterly.”
Some of you men are thinking, “Wait a minute, this is verses 22-24.  This sermon is supposed to be directed to wives. I came here today because I thought you were going to be preaching to wives to obey their husbands!”  I am.  That is the point of this sermon – I am trying to get the wives to be submissive to your headship.  But men, we cannot expect them to submit to our leadership when we are not leading.

Planning 
So don’t just be a bread winner and household handyman.  Lead!  Go somewhere.  Make some plans.  The book of Proverbs makes it clear that part of living wisely is making plans.  People put hours of careful planning into their business, investments – pretty much everything they do.  And yet the only planning we do for our marriage or family is in little ten-minute conversations over breakfast here and there.  Some people put more effort into planning their landscaping or finishing their basement then they do their marriage and family.  It is not wise to fly through life by the seat of your pants making all your decisions on the fly.  It is not glorifying to God when our lives or our marriages are disheveled and aimless.  
So men, take initiative in doing some planning.  That is not to say you do it unilaterally.  But it is to say you should not always have to be cajoled into action by your wife for everything.
Sit down together and set some spiritual goals.  If you do not know where to start – try this: Figure out what two virtues you need to grow in the most at this time, and what two virtues your wife needs to grow in the most.  Come to an agreement on that, and then spend some time and put forth some serious effort into setting goals and coming up with actions steps that will bring you to realize those goals.

Willing, harmonious submission
If you want to know how God wants you to lead your wife, just look at how He has called her to follow.  God wants her to submit with willing, eager, harmonious submission.  So take that into consideration in the way you lead her.
Let me show you this from verse 23.  Wives are to take their cues from the church in the way they submit.  Last week I read you a list of about 30 different ways that Scripture says we are to submit to the Lord.  And I am sure there are many more than 30.  But in verse 23 Paul points out just two.  Of all the instructions we have with regard to the way we are to obey the Lord, there are two of them that are especially significant for wives to pay attention to as they learn from the Church how to properly submit to their husbands, and those two are probably the last two that we would naturally expect.
In fact, they almost seem inappropriate for the marriage relationship.

Ephesians 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church his body, of which he is the Savior.

Now think of those two illustrations – body and savior.  Wives are to submit to their husbands as the body submits to the head, and as someone who is being rescued would submit to a rescuer. 
Like a body 
In a healthy person, there is no conflict between the head and the body.  If I get a sliver in my big toe, the toe sends a message to my head about the problem, and my brain responds by sending an order to my hand to reach down and remove the splinter.  And once it is all done my whole being is happy – toe, head, hand, body, soul, spirit – one, big, happy being.  That is the way submission works in the body – seamless harmony.
Like a Savior  
The other aspect Paul brings out about the Church’s submission to the Lord is that the Church looks to Him as her Savior.  Think of how a person submits to a savior or rescuer.  If you are lost for days up in the mountains somewhere, and about to die, and finally the search and rescue team finds you, you will do whatever they say to do, right?  If they tell you to hang on to a rope, you hang on.  If they tell you to remain still, you remain still.  If it means being rescued, you happily and eagerly do whatever they say.
“But my husband isn’t rescuing me from anything.”  Exactly!  You don’t submit to your husband because he is your savior.  You submit to him as to a savior, because Christ is the Church’s savior, and marriage is a picture of that.  Wives, you look at the eager willingness with which people come to Christ - that joyful, excited, grateful enthusiasm Christians have when they think of Christ as the one who saved them from hell.  And you take your cues from that attitude in the way you submit to your husband.
The harmony of the body and the willingness of the person being rescued – that is the kind of following we should tailor our leadership to inspire - submission that is willing and voluntary and joyful and harmonious.
Honoring, not demeaning 
And wives, that is the kind of attitude the Lord requires of you.  And He requires it of you regardless of how your husband leads.  Do not wait for him to become like Christ before you have this attitude.  Even at our best our spiritual leadership is going to be weak and inconsistent and patchy and mixed with all kinds of sin.  That is why you are called to submit not based on our worthiness but based on Christ’s worthiness.
And please do not think of this as demeaning – it is not.  If it wasn’t demeaning for Jesus Christ to be submissive it is certainly not beneath you.  When the brain tells the hand to remove the splinter from the toe, no one thinks of that signal given to the hand as some kind of burdensome, oppressive domination that is insulting to the hand.  When a body part is not responsive to the signals in the brain, that body part is either lame or spastic. And either way, it is an embarrassment to the whole person.  No one looks at a spastic, spasming body part and says, “I just admire that independence of that body part,” – just the opposite.  Well-disciplined athletes are highly esteemed and envied because their bodies obey their minds.  But those who are paralyzed or spastic we feel sorry for.
So how should a wife submit to her husband?  With the eager willingness of a person being rescued, and with the unified harmony of body parts responding to the head.
Dance 
Think of headship and submission like a dance.  If you have ever seen ballroom dancing you know that there has to be strong, gentle leading, and eager, submissive following for the beauty of the dance to take shape.  That is how the husband-wife relationship should work.
Voluntary
That is one reason why wifely submission is voluntary.  It is not optional – God requires it, but it is voluntary in that it is not something the husband is to enforce by some threat of punishment or discipline.  Scripture instructs parents to discipline their children if they disobey their authority.  Governing authorities are to use the sword to punish criminals who disobey their authority.  Even the Church carries out discipline on unrepentant sinners.  But never are husbands told to discipline their wives.  The motivation is not punishment, but intimacy.  It is crucial for the beauty of the dance, and for the accuracy of the picture of Christ and the Church that her submission be willing and eager.
And when that willingness is there it can produce a sweet intimacy that is unique.  Ever wonder why Ephesians 5:22 says wives, be submissive to your own husbands?  Is Paul was concerned that the wives would not know which husband to submit to?
I think the term your own highlights the intimacy of the relationship.  It is not some detached, distant, mechanical response to an impersonal authority like the government.  It is a face-to-face responsiveness to a man – your own man – with whom you enjoy an intimate love relationship.  There is something very special about the submission of a wife to a husband.  It has a humbling effect on both husband and wife that nurtures a unique kind of oneness and closeness. 
The Church delights in submitting to Christ.  In fact, anyone who does not long, from the depths of his heart, to be obedient to Christ is not a Christian.  One hundred percent of all true Christians became Christians because they wanted to become Christians.  Jesus died to purchase for Himself not just a people of His own, but an eager, willing people of His own.

Titus 2:14 He gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.

The Church does not submit to Christ out of some begrudging, forced servitude.   They come willingly to a Savior they deeply love.  If anyone had a right to force submission, it was Christ.  Yet He chose instead to woo and win our hearts.
And the wife’s submission to her husband must reflect that.  So husbands, should you try to change your wife?  Sure.  Do all you can to encourage and edify and build her up in the faith and inspire her heart toward greater love for God.  But do not ever rob her of the dignity of willing submission by forcing your way or by making her pay some kind of price for crossing you.

The decision making process
So let’s think through what the decision making process would look like in an ideal marriage.  A difficult decision arises.  The husband realizes he is responsible before God to make the best decision, so he takes the process very seriously.  He follows the normal wisdom process to discern the wisest course, applying wisdom from Proverbs and the rest of Scripture, seeking and heeding advice from wise counselors, and paying particular attention to his wife’s counsel.  He realizes that she has unique insights and perspectives, and so he listens with an open mind.  He also works hard to discern how important this is to his wife, and what her fears are.  Eventually he understands her point of view so well that she is totally satisfied that he has listened to her and taken her words to heart.
The next step is for the husband to say, “OK, let’s keep praying about it between now and when we have to make a decision.”  Ninety-nine percent of the time in a good marriage by this point you will be in full agreement.  But in those times when you are not, what should you do?  You have followed the process I just laid out, the time has come to make a decision, and you just cannot agree.  When that happens, if you are the husband you need to make the decision and then do everything you can to lead your wife in that direction.  Be compassionate and understanding about her fears and misgivings.  And if she is tempted to worry or fret, help her find peace and comfort from God’s Word.  You can say things like, “Honey, I know you don’t agree with this.  And I know you are concerned about this and this and this.  And you may be right.  Those outcomes may actually happen.  But I am responsible before God to do what I believe He is leading us to do, and it would be wrong for me to do what I believe would hurt this family.  And so I have to go this other way.  But if it turns out you were right, God will take care of us.  He will honor the fact that I did my best to follow His guidance, and He will honor the fact that you were submissive to my leadership, and He will carry us through whatever disasters might arise.”
And if you are the wife you say to your husband, “I have given the best counsel I can, now I trust you to make the decision.  And if it turns out that I was right and this ends up being a disaster, don’t worry because I will be right there by your side supporting you 100%.  You won’t hear any ‘I told you so’s out of my mouth.  I know that what you decide is God’s will for me, so I will follow where you lead, and if it’s to the top of a mountain or the bottom of a pit you won’t be alone.  I’ll be right there by your side supporting you.”  Make decisions that way and I promise God will bless your life.

2. The Attitude: Respect
I said earlier there are three things that the New Testament emphasizes about how a wife is to submit to her husband.  The first is the motive; now let’s move on to the second emphasis: the attitude.  The motive for submission is headship.  What is the proper attitude of a submissive wife?
Take a look at Paul’s summary in the last verse of Ephesians 5.  The clear message of verses 21-24 is “Wives submit to your husbands.”  And the message of verses 25-32 is “Husbands love your wives.”  But when Paul himself gives the summary of what he just wrote, he throws in a little curve ball.

33 each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must…

And you expect him to say, “Wives must submit,” but he uses a different word in place of “submit.” 

…the wife must respect her husband.

And the fact that Paul can use the word “respect” to summarize a discussion about submission tells us that submission is fundamentally an issue of respect.
Make sure you understand this: submission is not mainly about what you do.  It is mainly about the attitude of your heart toward your husband.  Scripture is very clear that grudging obedience is not obedience at all.  The priests in Malachi 1 were rebuked even though they were doing what God told them to do because they were doing it and then saying, “What a burden.”
God does not accept grudging service because the purpose of our serving God is relational.  God does not need our service.  He does not benefit from it.  He is not enriched by it.  He gains nothing from it.  God already has everything, and can do anything He pleases with a mere thought.  So He does not need people to do things for Him.  The only reason why there is such a thing as working to serve God is for relational reasons.  It is a way to express love to Him.  Therefore the only kind of obedience to God that means anything is willing, eager, happy obedience.  If you help me with something and have a grudging attitude about it, I still benefit some.  I may not get your love, but at least I get your help.  But our help means nothing to God.  So if we offer our help without our love it means nothing to God.  He gets nothing out of it.  If a two-year-old wants to give a gift to her mom, the mom has to provide everything.  The mom has to take her to the store, buy the gift, help her wrap it, and only then can the two-year-old give it.  And the mom might be happy to do all that just to give the child a chance to express her love and have the joy of giving a gift.  However – if the child has a grudging, “what a burden” attitude about it, why should the mom even bother?  The ONLY thing that makes our service to God mean anything is if it is an expression of love from our hearts.
And so if the submission of wives is designed to put on display the relationship between the Church and Christ, obviously the attitude behind the submission is of paramount importance.  If there is a bad attitude there is no submission – no matter what you do.

Fear
So, what is the attitude wives are to have?  The NIV translation says “respect,” but it is actually the word “fear.”  In fact, it is the same word as in verse 21.

21 Submit to one another in fear of Christ. 

33 and the wife must fear her husband.

Most of the translations avoid using the word “fear” because it just doesn’t seem appropriate for a wife to be afraid of her husband.

Two kinds
But what we need to realize is that there are different kinds of fear.  And having the good kind protects us from having the bad kind.  When God landed on Mt. Sinai in Exodus 20 the people had the bad kind of fear.

Exodus 20:18 When the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the trumpet and saw the mountain in smoke, they trembled with fear. They stayed at a distance 19 and said to Moses, "Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have God speak to us or we will die." 20 Moses said to the people, "Do not be afraid. 

Moses tells them “Don’t have that kind of fear.”  Why?  Because the kind of fear they had made them want to withdraw from God.  That is not a good fear.  Then look at the next thing he says:

20 … do not be afraid, God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you… 

So Moses says, “Don’t be afraid – the purpose of all this is just so you will be afraid.”  Obviously we are dealing with two kinds of being afraid.  The first kind is bad, and the second kind is good.
“So how do I know which kind I have?”  By the effect it has on your heart.  The effect of the bad kind is withdrawal from God.  But what is the effect of the good kind?

20 … do not be afraid, God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning." 

The kind of fear that keeps you from sinning is the good kind; and the kind that alienates you from God is the bad kind.
The bad kind of fear is a horrible thing to experience.  But the good kind can coexist with joy.

Psalm 2:11 Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling.

Serve the Lord with happy fear – joyful trembling.  Happy fear is what you have when you love the one you fear.  It is when you tremble before Him and you are glad to be trembling before Him, because He is worthy of it – and because it is good for you to tremble before Him.  Something inside you can feel that it is right, and profitable, and beneficial, and good.
It is not just that you fear chastisement for sin.  You fear any kind of threat to your relationship to Him.  His pleasure is so dear to you that you fear displeasing Him.  His nearness is so dear to you that you are afraid of becoming estranged from Him.  His smile is so sweet to you that you that nothing scares you more than the possibility of Him turning His face away from you.  His laws and will are so perfect and so delightful that you fear breaking them.  To fear God means to take Him seriously both as the punisher of the wicked and as the only source of good.
You see, whatever you regard as the main source of good is what you are going to fear.  Those who struggle with fear of man – people-pleasing, caring more about what people think about you than what God thinks – those people fear man because they regard man as a source of good.  They crave respect and love and acceptance, and they see people as the source of the respect and love and acceptance that they want, and so they conform their lives to the pursuit of winning human favor, because they fear their disfavor.  And they fear their disfavor because that will mean the loss of the benefits they have to offer.
Whoever you regard as your main benefactor – your main source of good – that is who you will tend to fear.  And when you see God not only as a benefactor, but as the only source of good, and the source of all good, you will love Him and desire Him and fear Him with the good kind of fear.  And it is a happy fear, because it keeps you from doing the one thing that can separate you from this great treasure.  What you are afraid of is the loss of the benefits.  But that very fear prevents you from doing the things that would result in the loss of the benefits.  And so it is a happy, delighted, joyful fear.

Fear your husband or God?
That is how the Church fears the Lord Jesus Christ, and so that is the model for how wives are to fear their husbands.  But that creates a lot of questions.  If God is the only source of good, how can you fear your husband as a source of good?  And if Scripture calls us to fear God alone and not to fear man, why does this verse call wives to fear their husbands?  The answer is this – you are to fear your husband as part of the expression of your fear of Christ.  It is not a competing fear; it is an expression of that same fear.
Your husband is a source of good because he is a key channel through which God pours out so much of His grace on you as a married woman.  God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.”  Why?  Because God wasn’t able to pour out enough grace on the man to satisfy him without Eve’s help?  No.  God could have easily thrilled the soul of Adam with indescribable joy and satisfaction without any help from Eve or anything else.  But God didn’t want to do it that way.  He wanted to pour out his grace and favor on the man through the woman.  And it is the same the other way around.  As a married woman God wants you to receive blessing from Him in great measure through your husband.  God provides food and clothing and protection and comfort and strength and leadership and guidance and a host of other benefits, and so much of that He wants to give you through your husband.  So when you place yourself in a submissive role toward your husband, you open up the floodgates of blessing from God to you through your husband.  And regarding the loss of that blessing as a serious threat is part of what it means to fear your husband.
That is part of it.  Another part of it involves taking seriously your husband’s authority over you – taking it very seriously.  It is not a joking matter to you.  It is not something you take lightly.  It is not something you fudge on here and there or regard as a small issue.  You tremble at the thought of being found by God to be a rebellious wife.  The thought of resisting your husband’s God-given authority is a terrifying thought that you dismiss the moment it enters your heart.  You hold his position of authority as so sacred that your respect for it is evident even in the way you speak and in your body language.  And that too is a happy kind of fear, because there is something deep inside you that knows it is proper and right and pleasing and good.
I love the way Markus Barth puts it in his commentary on Ephesians 5: When a husband loves his wife with a love inspired by Christ’s love and (however feebly) resembling it, she would be a fool to prefer or seek autonomy apart from him, sufficiency in herself, or a dominant position over him (e.g. in applying to him a … managerial motherly love, care, or anxiety).  Instead of attempting to move him in the manner or by the tricks by which she may be able to move other men, she will be moved by him.  Instead of shaping and changing him after her (preferences), she will feel thoroughly changed by him.  Instead of bringing him under control, she will be overwhelmed by his love. … A woman moved by this “fear” will by no means seek to make herself autonomous in relation to him who loves her and she will receive him as one who in his own imperfect way reminds her of the true head of all the world, the church, her lover and herself: Jesus Christ.  There is nothing degrading in “fear” thus interpreted.
So what is the motive for submission? Headship – the authority of Christ Himself.  And what is the attitude of submission?  Deep, profound, heartfelt respect and honor and holy fear that rises up out of your fear of the Lord Himself.  It is an eager, willing, happy submission that springs from an attitude of respect.  That is Paul’s summary of submission in Ephesians 5:33.
Conclusion 
Next time we will look in detail at 1 Peter 3 and see more on the attitude and then move on to the outcome of submission, which is really a fascinating thing.  I am guessing there are a lot of men in this room who need to pull their wives aside sometime this afternoon and say, “I have failed as a spiritual leader.  And I haven’t loved you with gentleness and selflessness.  Please forgive me.”  Or maybe you have misused your authority, or you have failed to be a servant leader to your wife.  Ask your wife’s forgiveness, and then get some accountability with some other men to help you change because changing will be a lot harder than just resolving to change.
And many of you wives need to pull your husband aside today and say, “I have used my complaints about you as an excuse not to be respectful and submissive.”  Many times I have made it impossible for you to lead because you have to deal with threat of my ugly moods.  I have not honored you or respected you as I should have.  Please forgive me, and help me change.”  And seek accountability from another godly woman.  Instead of fighting each other face-to-face, fight against your sins as a team, side-by-side.

Benediction – Ephesians 3:20,21  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever

Devotionals

Day 1: Leadership
Headship is not just authority – it is also leadership.  Those passages that talk about Christ as the head of the Church are saying more than just “Jesus is the boss.”  Christ is the Head of the Church in the sense that He is the Leader that the Church is to follow.  “Wives submit to your husbands” means not only obeying his decisions, but also following his leadership.
So what is leadership?  What is it exactly that the wives are supposed to follow?  What makes a person a leader?  A leader is someone people follow.  If people are following you, you are leading – whether you want to be or not.  And if people are not following you, you are not leading (even if you think you are).
Furthermore, a leader is someone people willingly follow.  A despot is someone people follow because they have to.  A leader is someone people want to follow.  He motivates them and opens their eyes to what’s so great about a certain course, and then he steps out and leads by example.  And people are inspired by both his vision and his example, and they are eager to follow him.
Assess your approach to leadership in the way you lead your wife.  Do you strive to discern God’s guidance, and then find a way to present that to your wife that will inspire her heart to be enthusiastic about following you in that path?  Or do you just argue?  Always remember - you are not only her authority, you are also her leader.  Strive to become a better leader for her.  Learn what moves her heart and what inspires her and what motivates her.  The goal is not just to make all the wisest decisions for the family.  The goal is to lead the family in the wisest path, and to inspire them to joyfully follow.
So often a man will just sink down to the level of just trying to keep his wife from getting mad.  All he cares about is appeasing her and keeping her in as good a mood as possible.  As men we are sometimes tempted toward harsh domination, but other times we are tempted in the opposite direction – toward wimpy, spineless, groveling appeasement.  Neither one is spiritual leadership.  Our wives fall prey to their special temptations from the curse of wanting to seize control, and instead of lovingly, gently helping her rise up above that sin we just cave in to it and even enable it – just so there will be some peace and quiet.  That is not loving.  It is actually selfish, because it is doing something that is not in her best interests just to make life a little smoother for yourself.  That is the opposite of the selfless love of Ephesians 5.

Dear Lord God, I pray that You would make me a great leader for my wife.  Forgive me, dear God, for all that I’ve done to drag her down or pull her away from You rather than inspiring her to run toward You.  So often I’ve been an anchor rather than a leader.  Other times I’ve been a worthless, blind guide.  Oh Lord, teach me how to touch her heart and stoke her fires of love for You. 
Make me a leader of all those over whom You have granted me influence.  I don’t know who may be watching me and following my lead, but dear Lord, I pray that You would make me one worthy to be followed.  If anyone does follow me, let that me for their holiness and for Your glory.

Day 2: Leading by Example 

John 13:13-15 "You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 

Christ led the Church by example.  That is part of headship.  Your wife and children should know what it means to seek the Lord because they see you doing it.
They see you on your knees, they hear you pray, they see how well-worn your Bible is…
They see you go straight to Scripture whenever you have a problem…
They see how important fellowship is to you in comparison with other things.
They see you make decisions between corporate prayer and a Broncos game…
They see how you respond to people in need…
They hear you share the gospel with people…
They see how you behave in all kinds of settings…
They see what you watch on TV…
Nobody sees your life more than your family, so if your example is not enough to influence them, it s not enough to influence anyone.
John Piper: “Leadership is something you are as much as something you do. If you come out of your solitude with the aroma of Christ lingering in your life, your wife and children will sense intuitively that you are at the helm of the ship with God’s hand on your shoulder. Leadership techniques and strategies are all in vain if the man has not been with God. It’s what we become in solitude with God that makes us spiritual leaders. If we fail here, we fail utterly.”

Forgive Your servant, dear Lord, for imagining I am above menial service to others.  What sickening pride!  Am I too exalted and glorious to stoop to do that which the Son of God did?  Oh Lord, make me a great servant.  Teach me how to go lower and lower.  Give me glad, willing, eagerness in my service of others.  And let it be an example for my family and others.  Father, I pray that You would make it easier for them to follow You by making me an example they can follow.  For the sake of Your great name, dear Lord, teach me how to lead by example.  Let me be to my family what they need to be inspired to greater love for You.  What would You have me change, dear Lord?  What should I give up?  No price would be too high to have the honor of being more suited to lead others into Your presence.

Day 3: Willing, harmonious submission 

Wives are to take their cues from the church in the way they submit.  Of all the instructions we have with regard to the way we are to obey the Lord, there are two of them that are especially significant for wives to pay attention to as they learn from the Church how to properly submit to their husbands.  And those two are probably the last two that we would naturally expect.
In fact, they almost seem inappropriate for the marriage relationship.

Ephesians 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church his body, of which he is the Savior.

Consider those two illustrations – body and savior.  Wives are to submit to their husbands as the body submits to the head, and as someone who is being rescued would submit to a rescuer. 
Like a body 
In a healthy person, there is no conflict between the head and the body.  If you get a sliver in your toe, the toe sends a message to the head about the problem, and the head responds by sending an order to the hand to reach down and remove the splinter.  And once it is all done your whole being is happy – toe, head, hand, body, soul, and spirit.  That is the way submission works in the body – seamless harmony.
Like a Savior  
The other aspect Paul brings out about the Church’s submission to the Lord is that the Church looks to Him as her Savior.  Think of how a person submits to a savior or rescuer.  If you are lost for days up in the mountains somewhere, and about to die, and finally the search and rescue team finds youYou will do whatever they say to do.  If they tell you to hang on to a rope, you hang on.  If they tell you to remain still, you remain still.  If it means being rescued, you happily and eagerly do whatever they say.
You don’t submit to your husband because he is your savior, you submit to him as to a savior, because Christ is the Church’s savior, and marriage is a picture of that.  Wives, you look at the eager willingness with which people come to Christ - that joyful, excited, grateful enthusiasm Christians have when they think of Christ as the one who saved them from hell, and you take your cues from that attitude in the way you submit to your husband.
The harmony of the body and the willingness of the person being rescued – that is the kind of following we should tailor our leadership to inspire – submission that is willing and voluntary and joyful and harmonious.
Think of headship and submission like a dance.  If you jave ever seen ballroom dancing you know that there has to be strong, gentle leading, and eager, submissive following for the beauty of the dance to take shape.  That is how the husband-wife relationship should work.
Wifely submission is voluntary.  It is not optional – God requires it, but it is voluntary in that it is not something the husband is to enforce by some threat of punishment or discipline.  Scripture instructs parents to discipline their children if they disobey their authority.  Governing authorities are to use the sword to punish criminals who disobey their authority.  Even the Church carries out discipline on unrepentant sinners.  But never are husbands told to discipline their wives.  The motivation is not punishment, but intimacy.  It is crucial for the beauty of the dance, and for the accuracy of the picture of Christ and the Church that her submission be willing and eager.
And when that willingness is there it can produce a sweet intimacy that is unique.  Ever wonder why Ephesians 5:22 says wives, be submissive to your own husbands?  Is Paul was concerned that the wives wouldn’t know which husband to submit to?
The term your own highlights the intimacy of the relationship.  It is not some detached, distant, mechanical response to an impersonal authority like the government.  It is a face-to-face responsiveness to a man – your own man, with whom you enjoy an intimate love relationship.  There is something very special about the submission of a wife to a husband.  It has a humbling effect on both husband and wife that nurtures a unique kind of oneness and closeness.  The Church delights in submitting to Christ.  In fact, anyone who does not long, from the depths of his heart, to be obedient to Christ is not a Christian.  One hundred percent of all true Christians became Christians because they wanted to become Christians.  Jesus died to purchase for Himself not just a people of His own, but an eager, willing people of His own.

Titus 2:14 He gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.

The Church does not submit to Christ out of some begrudging, forced servitude.  They come willingly to a Savior they deeply love.  If anyone had a right to force submission, it was Christ.  Yet He chose instead to woo and win our hearts.
And the wife’s submission to her husband must reflect that.  So husbands, should you try to change your wife?  Sure.  Do all you can to encourage and edify and build her up in the faith and inspire her heart toward greater love for God.  But do not ever rob her of the dignity of willing submission by forcing your way or by making her pay some kind of price for crossing you.

If it is important for wives to submit in this way to their husbands to properly display the Church’s submission to You, how much more important is it that the Church actually submit to You this way!  Oh Lord, make me a willing, eager servant.  Let none of my submission be grudging.  Lord, when You bid me to give up some lethal, worthless “treasure” of the world in favor of Your eternal treasures and river of delights, and I accept with a reluctant or grudging attitude – Oh, what folly!  Following Your will is the grandest of privileges.  Teach me, dear Father, to treat it as such.  Work in Your servant’s heart to will and to act such that my obedience displays Your worthiness and goodness to all who see me.  Let my following of You be so eager and enthusiastic that people can help but be drawn to such a delightful Master.

Day 4: Respect

Consider Paul’s summary in the last verse of Ephesians 5.  The clear message of verses 21-24 is “Wives submit to your husbands,” and the message of verses 25-32 is “Husbands love your wives.”  But when Paul himself gives the summary of what he just wrote, he throws in a little curve ball.

33 each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must…

And you expect him to say, “Wives must submit,” but he uses a different word in place of “submit.” 

…the wife must respect her husband.

And the fact that Paul can use the word “respect” to summarize a discussion about submission tells us that submission is fundamentally an issue of respect.
Submission is not mainly about what you do.  It is mainly about the attitude of your heart toward your husband.  Scripture is very clear that grudging obedience is not obedience at all.  The priests in Malachi .1 were rebuked even though they were doing what God told them to do because they were doing it and then saying, “What a burden.”
God does not accept grudging service because the purpose of our serving God is relational.  God does not need our service.  He does not benefit from it.  He is not enriched by it.  He gains nothing from it.  God already has everything, and can do anything He pleases with a mere thought.  So He does not need people to do things for Him.  The only reason why there is such a thing as working to serve God is for relational reasons.  It’s a way to express love to Him.  Therefore the only kind of obedience to God that means anything is willing, eager, happy obedience.  If you help me with something and have a grudging attitude about it, I still benefit some.  I may not get your love, but at least I get your help.  But our help means nothing to God.  And so if we offer our help without our love it means nothing to God.  He gets nothing out of it.  If a two-year-old wants to give a gift to her mom, the mom has to provide everything.  The mom has to take her to the store, buy the gift, help her wrap it, and only then can the two-year-old give it.  And the mom might be happy to do all that just to give the child a chance to express her love and have the joy of giving a gift.  However – if the child has a grudging, “what a burden” attitude about it, why should the mom even bother?  The ONLY thing that makes our service to God mean anything is if it is an expression of love from our hearts.
And so if the submission of wives is designed put on display the relationship between the Church and Christ, obviously the attitude behind the submission is of paramount importance.  If there is a bad attitude there is no submission – no matter what you do.

Forgive me, dear Lord, for acting as though I were doing You a favor by obeying You or carrying out hard tasks.  What insanity for my heart to imagine that You somehow owe me or are indebted to me in any way because of something I’ve done.  I’ve done nothing but evil apart from Your grace, and I’ve done no good that wasn’t the product of your grace.  I have nothing good that I’ve not been given. 
But of all the gifts You have given me, dear Lord, the one I treasure most is the ability to love You.  Oh, what an inestimable, unfathomable mercy!  To be capable of loving my God, the Creator, the Supreme power of the Universe, the Source of all good and only good, the Fountain of all wisdom, the perfection of all beauty.  Those who cannot love You are cursed.  Thank You, dear God, for this privilege.  Forgive me for how much I’ve squandered it and despised it by regarding it as a small thing and failing to seek after it will all my heart and all my soul.  Open my eyes wider to the wonders of it, dear Lord.

Day 5: Fear

What is the attitude wives are to have?  The NIV translation says “respect,” but it is actually the word “fear.”  In fact, it is the same word as in v.21.

21 Submit to one another in fear of Christ. 

33 and the wife must fear her husband.

Most of the translations avoid using the word “fear” because it just does not seem appropriate for a wife to be afraid of her husband.

Two kinds
But what we need to realize is that there are different kinds of fear.  And having the good kind protects us from having the bad kind.  When God landed on Mt. Sinai in Exodus 20 the people had the bad kind of fear.

Exodus 20:18 When the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the trumpet and saw the mountain in smoke, they trembled with fear. They stayed at a distance 19 and said to Moses, "Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have God speak to us or we will die." 20 Moses said to the people, "Do not be afraid. 

Moses tells them “Don’t have that kind of fear.”  Why?  Because the kind of fear they had made them want to withdraw from God.  That is not a good fear.  Then look at the next thing he says:

20 … do not be afraid, God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you… 

So Moses says, “Don’t be afraid – the purpose of all this is just so you will be afraid.”  Obviously we are dealing with two kinds of being afraid.  The first kind is bad, and the second kind is good.
“So how do I know which kind I have?”  By the effect it has on your heart.  The effect of the bad kind is withdrawal from God.  But what is the effect of the good kind?

20 … do not be afraid, God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning." 

The kind of fear that keeps you from sinning is the good kind; and the kind that alienates you from God is the bad kind.
The bad kind of fear is a horrible thing to experience.  But the good kind can coexist with joy.

Psalm 2:11 Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling.

Serve the Lord with happy fear – joyful trembling.  Happy fear is what you have when you love the one you fear.  It is when you tremble before Him and you are glad to be trembling before Him, because He’s worthy of it, and because it is good for you to tremble before Him.  Something inside you can feel that it is right, and profitable, and beneficial, and good.
It is not just that you fear chastisement for sin.  You fear any kind of threat to your relationship to Him.  His pleasure is so dear to you that you fear displeasing Him.  His nearness is so dear to you that you are afraid of becoming estranged from Him.  His smile is so sweet to you that you that nothing scares you more than the possibility of Him turning His face away from you.  His laws and will are so perfect and so delightful that you fear breaking them.  To fear God means to take Him seriously both as the punisher of the wicked and as the only source of good.
You see, whatever you regard as the main source of good is what you are going to fear.  
Those who struggle with fear of man – people-pleasing, caring more about what people think about you than what God thinks - those people fear man because they regard man as a source of good.  They crave respect and love and acceptance, and they see people as the source of the respect and love and acceptance that they want, and so they conform their lives to the pursuit of winning human favor, because they fear their disfavor.  And they fear their disfavor because that will mean the loss of the benefits they have to offer.
Whoever you regard as your main benefactor – your main source of good – that is who you will tend to fear.  And when you see God not only as a benefactor, but as the only source of good, and the source of all good, you will love Him and desire Him and fear Him with the good kind of fear.  And it is a happy fear, because it keeps you from doing the one thing that can separate you from this great treasure.  What you are afraid of is the loss of the benefits.  But that very fear prevents you from doing the things that would result in the loss of the benefits.  And so it is a happy, delighted, joyful fear.
That is how the Church fears the Lord Jesus Christ, and so that is the model for how wives are to fear their husbands.  Your husband is a source of good because he is a key channel through which God pours out so much of His grace on you as a married woman.  And regarding the loss of that blessing as a serious threat is part of what it means to fear your husband.
That is part of it.  Another part of it involves taking seriously your husband’s authority over you – taking it very seriously.  It is not a joking matter to you.  It is not something you take lightly.  It is not something you fudge on here and there or regard as a small issue.  You tremble at the thought of being found by God to be a rebellious wife.  The thought of resisting your husband’s God-given authority is a terrifying thought that you dismiss the moment it enters your heart.  You hold his position of authority as so sacred that your respect for it is evident even in the way you speak and in your body language.  And that too is a happy kind of fear, because there is something deep inside you that knows it is proper and right and pleasing and good.

Almighty God, teach me to fear You.  Oh, how blessed are those who fear You.  I want that blessedness.  Teach me to fear no matter what it takes.  If the only way is for You to chastise me to within an inch of my capacity to endure – do it!  Father, save me from the horrific disaster of not fearing You.