8-31-08
Submission & Headship
Building a Joyful Marriage: Part 8
Eph.5:21-24,33  1 Pe.3:1-6 

Summary: Submission is the wife’s main duty.  It is not blind agreement, passive acceptance, or slavish subservience.  Nor is it demeaning (Jesus submitted to His parents).  Submission is obedience to authority and Ephesians 5 does not call for mutual submission.  It calls wives to submit as to the Lord (!).  Why?  The first of the three New Testament emphases for wives answers the why question: Because of headship.  It is the authority of Christ.  Headship means responsibility for decisions and leadership.

Introduction
What submission is not
Be submissive
Your husband isn’t God
1.	The Motive: Headship
Christ’s Authority
Responsible for decisions that are made
Blessing for wives!
Taking control is not an option
Trust God

Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of fear of Christ. 22 Wives, to your husbands as to the Lord.  23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 
1 Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. 

Introduction
We are in the midst of a study on what Scripture teaches about marriage.  We began by looking at God’s ideal that existed in Eden prior to the fall (which is what Jesus pointed to when He was asked about marriage).  Then we studied what took place at the fall and God’s curse on marriage.  And then we turned our attention to what the New Testament teaches about how to undo the effects of the curse through the gospel.
And we found that it is not hard at all to summarize the New Testament message:  For men it is, “Husbands, love your wives.”  For the women it is, “Wives, be submissive to your husbands.”
And again, you can see how the main emphasis in the New Testament goes directly after the main issue in the curse.  The curse on the male side was harshness toward their wives, so the main emphasis in the New Testament is for men to love their wives with selfless, gentle love.  The curse on the female side was, “Your desire will be to control your husband,” and to reverse the effects of the curse wives are called to be submissive to their husbands.

What submission is not
So what is submission?  Let me begin by pointing out a few things that it is not, because there are some common misconceptions.
Not blind agreement
First, submission is not agreeing with whatever your husband thinks.  We know that because of 

1 Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives

Here the wife disagrees with her husband on the most important, most fundamental issue that there is.  He rejects the gospel and she believes it with all her heart.  It is impossible to have a bigger disagreement than that.  And yet even while differing that drastically from her husband, it is still possible for her to be submissive.
Not passive acceptance 
So submission is not agreement.  Nor is it passive acceptance.   The whole objective in 1 Peter 3 is for the wife to win the husband.
In this series I have preached against manipulating your spouse.  But don’t take that to mean it is always wrong to try to change your spouse.  Sometimes preachers say that you should not try to change your spouse.  Of course you should try to change your spouse.  You should try to change everyone you know.  Sanctification is the process of changing from less holiness to more holiness, and God expects you to play a role in the sanctification of the people around you – especially your spouse.  The most important thing you can possibly do is to change your spouse.
The difference between sinful manipulation and the good kind of changing is this: sinful manipulation is when you try to get your spouse to adjust to your preferences in order to make your life more pleasant, and godly influence is when you try to bring your spouse to greater holiness for the sake of God’s pleasure.
So submission is not passive acceptance.  The goal is to change him in the most fundamental, dramatic way a human being can be changed.  So do not think that submission means just going along with everything your husband thinks or says.  If you are fully convinced from Scripture that your husband is wrong about something you should not only disagree with him, but you should try to win him over to the truth.
Not slavish subservience 
Third, submission is not the same thing as subservience.  There are some men who think submission means it is the wife’s role to serve him.  That is completely backwards.  Leadership in the Kingdom of God is fundamentally different than leadership in the world.  In the world, being a leader means being served by those under you.  People open doors for you, get coffee for you, drive you around, etc.  In the Kingdom of God it is the exact opposite.  In Matthew 20, James & John make a move to try to gain the highest level in the coming Kingdom.  

Matthew 20:25-28 Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first must be your slave- 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." 

In the kingdom, it is the leader who is the one who does the serving, and the one under authority who is served.  When the disciples and Jesus were gathered in a room and there was no household servant around to do the normal, menial task of washing everybody’s feet, it became apparent that someone would have to do it.  Whose job was it?  Jesus’ job.  Jesus was the highest authority in the room – the highest ranking person, and so in the Kingdom of God He was the most logical candidate to do the foot-washing.  And lest you think that was only part of Jesus’ humiliation: 

Luke 12:37-38  It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. I tell you the truth, he will dress himself to serve, will have them recline at the table and will come and wait on them. 
 
Being a servant is right at the core of the Christian life.  So every Christian should be eager to serve every other Christian.  Which means every wife should be eager to serve her husband just because she is a Christian.  However, is serving connected more to one role or the other in marriage?  Yes.  As the leader, it is the husband’s role to be the greatest servant in the family.  Everyone should serve, but the one who serves most should be the husband.
There are times when I will be sitting on the couch and ask Tracy to get me something to drink, or to bring me something.  When I do that, that has nothing to do with my role as leader or Tracy’s role of submission. That is not submission.  That is just her doing me a favor.  It is not wrong to ask someone for a favor from time to time.  But if you expect someone to serve you, you have departed from the very heart of the Christian life.  Tracy and I serve each other because we are both Christians, but if I am a good spiritual leader I am going to be the greater servant.
I know a man who had a party for each of his sons when they hit a certain age as a celebration of their transition into manhood.  It was kind of like a bar mitzvah (except not exactly the same, since he always cooked them a ham as part of his tradition).  Anyway, he told me that the main purpose was to teach his sons this: “You are now becoming a man.  And the main difference between being a boy and being a man is, as a boy you were served by women.  Your mother took care of you and fed you and cleaned up after you.  Now that you are a man it is your role to serve and care for women.  That is the difference between a boy and a man.”  And so he would teach them about chivalry, and opening doors for girls, and when there is a serving-type task to fulfill his manhood by being the one who steps forward to serve.  Not a bad family tradition.
And by the way, chivalry is a wonderful thing.  If you are one of those women who have been taught to despise chivalry because it makes you look weak, or if you have an attitude that says, “I don’t want a man to open doors for me.  I’m not helpless.  I can open a door by myself.”  You need to understand that the purpose of a man holding the door for a woman has nothing to do with weakness or helplessness.  It has to do with honor.  That is why people open doors for the President of the United States.  It is not because he is too weak to push the door open himself.  It is to show honor and respect.
Not demeaning
Submissiveness is not an indication of lesser importance or significance.  In the world we tend to think of the one in charge as being more important than those under him, or better than them in some way.
But in the Kingdom of God that is not the case at all.  And if you doubt that, just realize for a moment that God the Father is the head over God the Son.

1 Corinthians 11:3 Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.

Man is the authority over woman.  Christ is the authority over man.  And God the Father is the authority over God the Son.
God the Son is not of lesser importance or lesser dignity than God the Father.  God the Father has no attribute in greater measure than God the Son.  They are one in essence.
If you think the one who submits to authority is of lesser importance than that authority, consider this: according to Luke 2:51 Jesus was submissive to His parents.  You tell me, were Joseph and Mary greater than the Son of God?  Were they wiser, smarter, better, more important, more significant, more capable?  No. They were infinitely less wise, less smart, less important, less significant, and less capable.  They were not better than Him in any way.  They were infinitely worse than Him in every way.  Yet it was His role to be submissive to their authority and He gladly did so.  Authority and submission have nothing to do with importance or ability.

Be submissive
So what is submission?  If it is not serving, and it is not agreeing with everything, and it is not passivity; what is it?
It is not complicated – the word just means to place yourself under someone’s authority and to be responsive to that authority.  It means to respect and obey an authority.  That is always what the word means, every time it is used.  I have to say that because the feminist and egalitarian theologians have tried to define this word in a way that does not have anything to do with authority and subordination.  They want to make it synonymous with servanthood, so that it applies the same way to both husband and wife, and no one is in authority.
But that definition is without foundation.  The word is used 38 times in the New Testament, and every single time it describes subordination.  It is used of Jesus’ obedience to His parents, the demons’ obedience to the 72, the obedience of the human mind to the law of God, obedience to government, obedience of the creation and the Church and angels to Christ, obedience of Christians to God the Father, obedience of slaves to their masters, and obedience of the people to elders in the church.  There is no getting around the fact that the word means submission to an authority.
And submissiveness is by far the most emphasized duty for wives in the New Testament.

Colossians 3:18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.  

Ephesians 5:22 Wives, [submit] to your husbands as to the Lord… 24 as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 

1 Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands 
5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. 

Titus 2:5 [Teach the younger women] …to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be submissive to their husbands

Wives are not commanded to do that many things in Scripture, but six different times they are commanded to be submissive to their husbands.
Mutual submission?
Another tactic some of the feminist theologians have taken is to point to Ephesians 5:21 and say that it erases any kind of authority structure because the submission is mutual.

Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

We are to submit to one another.  They point to that and say, “See, it is a mutual submission.  The wife submits to the husband and the husband submits to the wife.  Everybody submits to everybody.”
But “One another” does not always mean “everybody to everybody.”  For example, 1 Corinthians 11:33 says that when you have the church meal, wait for one another.  That does not mean every person waits for every other person.  It means the ones who are there early should wait for the ones who come later.  In Revelation 6:4 its says men will kill one another.  That does not mean every person will kill every other person.  It means certain ones will do the killing and certain other ones will be killed.
So if we are honest with the context of Ephesians 5:21 is the most natural interpretation of “one another” everyone to everyone or certain ones to certain other ones?  The answer to that becomes very clear when you read the verses that follow.  Paul says, “Submit to one another, wives to husbands, children to parents, and slaves to masters.”  In other words, the ones under authority submit to those in authority over them.  So the “one another” does not mean husbands are to submit to their wives any more than it means parents are to obey their children.  Wives are commanded to submit a half dozen times, and husbands zero times.
As to the Lord (!)
Now, to our culture that is about as offensive and politically incorrect as a concept can be.  We not only live in an egalitarian society that hates gender distinctions, but we also live in a rebellious world that hates authority.  So to call upon wives to submit to their husbands is counter-cultural in the extreme. 
So Paul shocks our unbelieving culture with the first five words of verse 22.

22 Wives, submit to your husbands

But then he goes on to shock even believers with the next four words.  If you think the first five words are extreme, the next four words are orders of magnitude more radical – especially for Christians.  The world gasps when they hear those first five words; and we who are in the Church gasp in shock when we hear the next four words.

22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord!

Obey your husband like you obey God.
The world does not think anything of that second phrase, because they do not care about obeying God.  But the more spiritual you are, and the more devoted you are to the Lord Jesus Christ, the more shocking the second phrase is, because our submission to Christ is absolute.  Just think of the things the Bible says about how we are to submit to Christ. We are to submit to the Lord…
out of love (Ex.20:6, Dt.11:1, 5:10), 
completely (Jas.2:10, Lv.20:22,  Ps.119:4, 2 Ki.21:8, Nm.14:24), 
wholeheartedly (Ps.119:2), 
permanently (Ps.119:33,44, 112), 
immediately (Ps.119:60),  
exclusively (Mt.6:24), 
profitably (Mt.25:20), 
patiently (Lk.12:38), 
joyfully (Ps.2:11),
with eagerness (Ps.143:10), 
above any other authority (Acts 4:19, 5:29),  
from the heart (Eph.6:6, Ro.6:17), 
as a way of life (Eph.2:10), 
out of delight in his will (Ps.103:21), 
for the purpose of serving him (Ps.103:21, Josh.24:24), 
out of fear (Php.2:12, Ps.2:11, Ps.112:1), 
delighting in his commands (Ps.112:1, 119:16, 72, 77, 97), 
with loyalty and allegiance (Jer.7:23), 
when unsupervised (Php.2:12),  
out of intimate knowledge (1 Jn.2:3), 
in order to please him (1 Jn.3:22), 
not to please men, (1 Tim.6:14) 
by loving his children (1 Jn.5:2), 
carefully (Dt.5:1, 8:1), 
in a worthy manner (Eph.4:1), 
and without stain (1 Ti.6:14).

That is how we are to submit to Christ.  There is no possible way that the idea of subordination could be expressed in stronger terms than to say wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
In everything
Some authorities only have authority over certain aspects of your life.  For example, I have the authority to tell my kids to put on their pajamas at bed time.  I am under the authority of the city government, but if an Erie police officer comes to my house, he does not have the authority to tell me what to wear to bed.  A teacher in a classroom has authority, but only in that realm.  The teacher does not have the authority to tell the student which TV shows he is allowed to watch.  As your pastor, I am in a position of authority.  But I would be overstepping my authority if I tried to tell you what kind of car to drive.  So depending on the authority, there are various spheres in which you are under that person’s authority.
What about the husband’s authority?  How extensive is that?  Take a look at the last two words in verse 23.

24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Wives are to submit to their husbands in every area.  The only place it does not extend is into sin (any time someone in authority tells you to sin, you must disobey).  But apart from him telling you to commit a sin, your husband’s authority is absolute.  When it comes to the relationship between Christ and the Church, there are no restrictions.  That authority/submission relationship extends into every detail of life.  And the marriage relationship is designed to display that.

Your husband is not God 
“Obey your husband in everything like you obey God” is extreme and astonishing and unsettling for the simple fact that your husband is not God.  God is perfect; your husband is not.  God controls the future; your husband does not even know the future.  God is all powerful; your husband can barely get out of bed half the time.  God is omniscient and knows all things; your husband doesn’t even know what time he will be done with work 30 minutes before he is supposed to be home.  God is perfectly loving and gentle and compassionate; and I don’t know about your husband, but I can tell you my wife’s husband is very often selfish, and harsh, and inconsiderate.  And even on his best days he never loves perfectly.
So the command for wives is astonishing.  (Especially since it applies even to unbelieving husbands according to 1 Peter 3.)
Why?  Why do wives have to submit, and why is it so important?  Just as there were three aspects of loving that we especially emphasized for the men, there are three aspects of submitting that stand out as you read Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3.  And the first of those three answers the question “Why?”

1.	The Motive: Headship
In verse 22 we have the command to submit, then the whole rest of the section is devoted to telling us why.

Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another in fear of Christ. 22 Wives, to your husbands as to the Lord.

Then the very next word is “for.”  When you see that word in the Bible you know the words that follow are going to answer the “why?” question.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife…

The reason why wifely submission is so important is because of headship.  The wife is never told to submit to the husband because the husband is smarter.  It is never because the husband is a more capable decision-maker.  It is never because the husband is somehow better in the eyes of God, nor is it because the husband’s decisions are always right.  In fact, the Bible never even says the husband is usually right.
None of those are the reason for submission.  The reason for submission is headship.  And so we had better take a few minutes to make sure we understand exactly what headship is all about.
Source?
The feminist and egalitarian interpreters have suggested the word “head” means “source” – as in the term “headwaters.”  So, they say, it is not that the husband is any kind of authority or leader.  It just means the husband is the source of the wife.  Eve was taken out of the side of Adam, and so he was the source.
The problem with that view is the word “head” doesn’t mean “source.”  The Greek word for head was used very much like our word “head.”  When it is talking about a physical body it refers to your physical head.  And when it is used to describe relationships between persons, it refers to a relationship in which the one who is called “head” is over others as an authority and leader.  The word is used that way six times in the New Testament – mostly to describe the relationship between Christ and the creation.
Listen carefully and see if you detect any subtle traces of the concept of authority in these passages.

Colossians 1:18 And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy.

Colossians 2:10 and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.

In Ephesians 1:20, when God raised Christ from the dead He seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms…

Ephesians 1:21-23 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. 22 And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, 23 which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way. 

You have to close your eyes pretty tight not to see an aspect of authority in Christ’s headship.  And if you look in the Old Testament you will see the same thing.

Judges 11:11 So Jephthah went with the elders of Gilead, and the people made him head and commander over them.

So “head” when used to describe a relationship always refers to authority and leadership.  That is the natural meaning of the word, that is the Old Testament background, and that is how Paul has already used it twice earlier in Ephesians, and so there is no reason to take it any differently in Ephesians 5.
And besides all that, even if the word head did mean source, that would not change the meaning of the word submit.  If Scripture said, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord because Adam was the source of Eve,” that would still require wives to submit to their husbands which means husbands are in a role of authority.  So no matter how you slice it there is absolutely no escaping the fact that headship refers to authority and leadership.
Authority
Christ’s Authority  
When we were kids we had a saying that we used when someone started getting too bossy.  We would say, “Who died and made you king?”  Sometimes you see what a poor leader your husband is and you feel like saying, “Who died and made you head?”  Jesus did.  Jesus died and made your husband the head of your home.  The authenticity of your husband’s position as head of your home is based completely on the authenticity of the authority of Christ, which is founded on His death and resurrection.

Philippians 2:8 … he humbled himself and became obedient to death-- even death on a cross! 9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name

Christ established His authority through His death and resurrection, and then delegated that authority.  Romans 13:1 says that we must be submissive to the authorities over us because…

Romans 13:1 …there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted

Your husband’s authority in the home is Christ’s authority.  Disobeying, rebelling against, or being disrespectful to your husband EQUALS disobeying, rebelling against, and being disrespectful to the Lord Jesus Christ.
If you leave your kids home alone, and when you leave you point to one of them and say, “He is in charge until I get back.  I want all of you to listen to him and to do what he says.”  If you come back home and find out that they did not listen to him, they are in trouble for disobeying… you.  The Lord has pointed to the authorities in our lives and said, “They are in charge until I come back.  Listen to them and obey them.”  And if we don’t, we are guilty of rebellion against Christ.
So the first thing Paul says about submission is that the motive is headship.  You submit to your husband not mainly because of your husband’s leadership abilities, not because of tradition or convention or custom, but because of headship.  The Supreme Authority in the universe has placed your husband into the role of head of your home, and has commanded you to submit to honor that.

Responsible for decisions that are made
So what does it mean to be in authority?  It means you are the one ultimately responsible for the decisions that are made in your realm of responsibility.  It does not mean making every decision yourself.  It just means you are responsible for what is ultimately done.  Just like in the military, or in a corporation, the one in authority is responsible for what takes place under him.  You may delegate most of the decision making to those under you, but you are still responsible for what they end up doing.  If you do not delegate enough, not everything gets done, and you are responsible for that too.  But if you delegate too much, you abdicate your responsibility.  Being in authority also means if there is a disagreement between you and someone under you, it is your decision whether you will go with that person’s opinion or your own opinion.  Sometimes a man will make a decision that goes against his better judgment just to make his wife happy.  And that is not necessarily always a bad thing.  When you weigh the pros and cons of a certain course of action, and the scales are tipped slightly toward option B as the wiser course, but your wife really, really wants option A, then you factor in her happiness into the equation and it might tip the scales the other way so that the wiser course is now option A (because of the added benefit of making your wife happy).  And so you go with option A.
But even when you do something because your wife wants it, men, it is still ultimately your responsibility.  So if option A turns out to be a disaster, you do not hold your wife responsible.  You do not come to her and say, “See, I knew this would be bad.  Why did you pressure me into it?”  That is not the response of a leader.  It was your decision, and so you are responsible.
And so if the husband is convinced there are going to be dire consequences for the family, or a certain course would not be pleasing to God, there are some times when he needs to just overrule his wife and say, “No, we are not going to do that.”

Blessing for wives!
What a blessing this is for wives not to have to carry that burden of responsibility!  When you and your husband are deciding about some big purchase or some really hard decision, nothing is more freeing and relaxing than to give all your input and offer your best counsel and then just relax, knowing God has not placed on your shoulders the final responsibility for the decision, and resting in the fact that you can fully trust God in the matter no matter what your husband decides.  Whatever decision your husband makes – that is God’s will for you.
Your husband cannot do that.  He has to bear the weight of responsibility.  He can have some level of peace depending upon how sure he is that what he is doing is best, but he cannot really know with absolute certainty.  He has to concern himself with whether or not it is a good decision.  But the wife is free from that final responsibility.
How tragic it is that God has given women this wonderful gift, and so many women have refused it, and have chosen instead to live a life of massive anxiety and needless stress.  They feel like the responsibility to keep the family afloat rests on them, and so they have to figure out a way to manipulate and cajole their husbands into doing what they think is best.  And when he does not do it they worry and fret and stress and panic and complain and sometimes even nag.  And none of it is necessary. 
Taking control is not an option
“But what if he makes a bad decision?  What if he runs the family into the ground or into bankruptcy?  What if we lose our home?”  When a woman thinks she has to badger her husband into doing what she thinks is best because if she doesn’t, things will end in disaster - when a woman thinks that way she is thinking that way because she believes that her seizing control is a valid option.  She is like a driver’s ed instructor who has his own brake pedal on his side of the car, so if things start to go really bad he can take over.  And he will never just go to sleep and let the student drive, because he has to constantly watch to make sure nothing bad happens.  Some wives are like that – they are over there with their foot an inch from the brake pedal, keeping a constant watch on what their husband is doing, and if things start to look bad they feel like they need to take over.
And they think that way because they believe seizing control is an option.  It is not.  God has not given you that as an option, and coming to grips with that can save you a whole life of anxiety.
What does Scripture say about dangers that are outside of your control?  Don’t worry.  Trust God.  If it is something within your area of responsibility, then you need to concern yourself with it.  But if it is outside your area of responsibility, just relax and trust God.  If it is something you have no control over, there is no value in worrying about it.
You do not stay awake at night thinking, “What if the clouds and the wind make the wrong decision?  I had better keep guard in case I have to step in and seize control and make sure they go the right direction so that no tornados hit our house.”  You do not get ulcers worrying about how you can step in and prevent Russia from doing something foolish in the conflict with Georgia.  Even the worst control freak realizes that those things are outside of her control. 
When you are content to leave those things in the hands of God, but you cannot do that with your husband’s decision-making, that usually means that you are under the mistaken notion that it is your role to oversee your husband.  You want to be a mother to him rather than a wife.
“But his bad decisions have an impact on me,” she may say. “If we go broke, it affects me.  If we don’t raise our children the right way, that affects me and my children.  His bad decisions can cause suffering.”
True.  But so can the weather.  A tornado can really turn your life upside down – or even end it.  But you don’t worry about whether or not you should step in and take charge of the weather because you know it is not your place to control the weather.  The reason you struggle with controlling your husband is because you think that is an option.  And you think it is an option because you have the power to do it.  Trying to control the weather never works, but trying to control your husband sometimes does.  If you apply enough pressure, you can gain control of your husband and get him to do what you think he should do.  And so you watch over him like a mother watching a toddler, and you let him function as the head of the home as long as he does not do anything too threatening, but as soon as things look like they might not go right you jump in and take control.

Trust God
I am not saying you do not participate in the decision-making.  I will talk about that when we get to the decision making process in marriage.  But I am saying that after you have participated in a proper way, and your husband then makes the decision – that final decision is something that is outside your area of responsibility.  And if you are unfamiliar with what Scripture teaches about things outside of your control, it is real simple – trust God and don’t worry.  God is in full control of those things, and He promises to work all of them together for your good.  That promise is in Romans 8:28.  If a tornado hits your house, it is for your good.  If the doctor tells you your child has an inoperable brain tumor, it is for your good.  If your computer crashes every 20 minutes all day long, it is for your good.  And if your husband makes some really foolish decisions that send you into bankruptcy, it is for your good.  You can trust God to be doing you only good no matter what happens to you.
Why do you suppose God appointed someone as head of your home who cannot even see into the future?  Why did God appoint a fallible, sinful human being who does not always know the right thing to do?  Why put someone like that in charge?  Because that forces both husband and wife to have to trust God.
There are a lot of women who understand all about trusting God when it comes to the weather and sickness and things that are clearly in God’s hands.  But they struggle to think of their husband’s decision making being in that same category.  But it is in exactly the same category.
And men – this also applies to the crazy things your boss does to you.  The actions of those who are in authority over you are gifts from God designed only for your good.  All of them.  100% of them.  Even the ones that cause you pain.  Even the ones that are based on human foolishness or ignorance or sin.  God will hold that authority responsible for his sin, but He will also see to it that it works out for your highest good.
If you cannot trust God to take care of you even in the case of foolish decision making on the part of your husband, then placing yourself under his authority is a terrifying thing to do.  If you think your well-being is in your husband’s hands rather than in God’s hands, then you will be so afraid of what might happen that you will never be able to submit.  That is why the passage on submission in 1 Peter 3 ends by saying, “Don’t give way to fear.”   How do you do that?  How do you overcome the fear?  The same way the holy women of the past overcame fear.

1 Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands 
5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

How did they conquer fear?  Do you see it there in verse 5?  They put their hope in God.  They did not put their hope in their husband’s ability to make good decisions.  Nor did they put their hope in their own ability to coach their husbands into making good decisions.  They put their hope in God.  And according to verse 1 that works even if you have an unbelieving husband.  God will take care of you and guide you and place you just where He wants you to be by means of the ungodly, foolish decision-making of an unbelieving husband.  You just need to have enough faith to believe that God is powerful enough to carry out His good plans for you even through your imperfect husband.  Then the fear is erased, and nothing is left but rest and peace.
So what is headship?  Two parts: authority and leadership.  Next time we will pick it up there and explore spiritual leadership in the home.

Benediction - 1 Peter 5:5-7  Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."   6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.

Devotionals

Day 1: What Submission is Not  
Not blind agreement
1 Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives

Here the wife disagrees with her husband on the most important, most fundamental issue that there is.  He rejects the gospel and she believes it with all her heart.  It is impossible to have a bigger disagreement than that, and yet even while differing that drastically from her husband, it is still possible for her to be submissive.
Not passive acceptance 
The whole objective in 1 Peter 3 is for the wife to win the husband.  Of course you should try to change your spouse.  You should try to change everyone you know.  Sanctification is the process of changing from less holiness to more holiness, and God expects you to play a role in the sanctification of the people around you – especially your spouse.  The most important thing you can possibly do is to change your spouse.
The difference between sinful manipulation and the good kind of changing is this: sinful manipulation is when you try to get your spouse to adjust to your preferences in order to make your life more pleasant, and godly influence is when you try to bring your spouse to greater holiness for the sake of God’s pleasure.
Not slavish subservience 
Leadership in the Kingdom of God is fundamentally different than leadership in the world.  In the world, being a leader means being served by those under you.  People open doors for you, get coffee for you, drive you around, etc.  In the Kingdom of God it is the exact opposite.

Matthew 20:25-28 Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first must be your slave- 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." 

In the kingdom it is the leader who is the one who does the serving, and the one under authority who is served.  When the disciples and Jesus were gathered in a room and there was no household servant around to do the normal, menial task of washing everybody’s feet, it became apparent that someone would have to do it.  Whose job was it?  Jesus’ job.  Jesus was the highest authority in the room – the highest ranking person, and so in the Kingdom of God He was the most logical candidate to do the foot-washing.  And lest you think that was only part of Jesus’ humiliation: 

Luke 12:37-38  It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. I tell you the truth, he will dress himself to serve, will have them recline at the table and will come and wait on them. 

Some may find this point confusing given the emphasis in Scripture on the fact that the purpose of the marital relationship is to reflect the relationship between God and His people.  If wives are to submit to their husbands in the same way the Church submits to Christ, isn’t serving a key part of how we submit to Christ? 
In one sense it is true that we serve the Lord as slaves.  However there is another very important sense in which God is not served by human hands as if He needed anything (Acts 17:25).  We do not serve the Lord in the sense of offering Him help.  He does not need our help.  In fact, we require His help in order to serve Him! 
The way we serve God is in the Matthew 6:24 sense.  In that passage Jesus said we are to serve God rather than money.  In what way do people serve money?  Not by helping it or assisting it or giving things to it.  We serve money by setting it up as our highest treasure and devoting our lives to acquiring and enjoying its benefits.  That is precisely the way we are to serve God – by looking to Him as our highest treasure and devoting our lives to acquiring and enjoying His benefits – not by giving Him something that He needs.
What a gloriously wonderful life – to serve a God who has no need, and who is served and glorified by our enjoying His marvelous benefits and delights!

Day 2:  As to the Lord
If submission is not blind agreement, passive acceptance, or slavish subservience, what is it?  It is not complicated – the word just means to place yourself under someone’s authority and to be responsive to that authority.  It means to respect and obey an authority.  That is always what the word means, every time it is used.  The word is used 38 times in the New Testament, and every single time it describes subordination.  It is used of Jesus’ obedience to His parents, the demons’ obedience to the 72, the obedience of the human mind to the law of God, obedience to government, obedience of the creation and the Church and angels to Christ, obedience of Christians to God the Father, obedience of slaves to their masters, and obedience of the people to elders in the church.  There is no getting around the fact that the word means submission to an authority.
The world gasps when they hear the first five words of Ephesians 5:22 and we who are in the Church gasp in shock when we hear the next four words.

22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord!

Obey your husband like you obey God. The world does not think anything of that second phrase, because they do not care about obeying God.  But the more spiritual you are, and the more devoted you are to the Lord Jesus Christ, the more shocking the second phrase is, because our submission to Christ is absolute.
We are to submit to the Lord…
out of love (Ex.20:6, Dt.11:1, 5:10), 
completely (Jas.2:10, Lv.20:22,  Ps.119:4, 2 Ki.21:8, Nm.14:24), 
wholeheartedly (Ps.119:2), 
permanently (Ps.119:33,44, 112), 
immediately (Ps.119:60),  
exclusively (Mt.6:24), 
profitably (Mt.25:20), 
patiently (Lk.12:38), 
joyfully (Ps.2:11),
with eagerness (Ps.143:10), 
above any other authority (Acts 4:19, 5:29),  
from the heart (Eph.6:6, Ro.6:17), 
as a way of life (Eph.2:10), 
out of delight in his will (Ps.103:21), 
for the purpose of serving him (Ps.103:21, Josh.24:24), 
out of fear (Php.2:12, Ps.2:11, Ps.112:1), 
delighting in his commands (Ps.112:1, 119:16, 72, 77, 97), 
with loyalty and allegiance (Jer.7:23), 
when unsupervised (Php.2:12),  
out of intimate knowledge (1 Jn.2:3), 
in order to please him (1 Jn.3:22), 
not to please men, (1 Tim.6:14) 
by loving his children (1 Jn.5:2), 
carefully (Dt.5:1, 8:1), 
in a worthy manner (Eph.4:1), 
and without stain (1 Ti.6:14).

That is how we are to submit to Christ.  
What an important list that is for all Christians. Aside from the significance for wives, it instructs all of us with regard to how we are to serve the Lord. Why not pick out two or three from that list – the ones that are perhaps the most lacking in your life, and focus your attention on them throughout the day today? 

Day 3: Delegated authority
In verse 22 we have the command to submit, then the whole rest of the section is devoted to telling us why.

Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another in fear of Christ. Wives, to your husbands as to the Lord for the husband is the head of the wife…

The reason why wifely submission is so important is because of headship. The wife is never told to submit to the husband because the husband is smarter, or because he is a more capable decision-maker, or because he is somehow better in the eyes of God.  Nor is it because the husband’s decisions are always right.  In fact, the Bible never even says the husband is usually right.  None of those are the reason for submission.  The reason for submission is headship.
The Greek word for head was used very much like our word “head.”  When it is talking about a physical body it refers to your physical head.  And when it is used to describe relationships between persons, it refers to a relationship in which the one who is called “head” is over others as an authority and leader.
The word is used that way six times in the New Testament – mostly to describe the relationship between Christ and the creation. Note the emphasis on authority in these passages.

Colossians 1:18 And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy.

Colossians 2:10 and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.

In Ephesians 1:20, when God raised Christ from the dead He seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms…

Ephesians 1:21-23 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. 22 And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, 23 which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way. 

The authenticity of your husband’s position as head of your home is based completely on the authenticity of the authority of Christ, which is founded on His death and resurrection.

Philippians 2:8 … he humbled himself and became obedient to death-- even death on a cross! 9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name

Christ established His authority through His death and resurrection, and then delegated that authority.  Romans 13:1 says that we must be submissive to the authorities over us because…

Romans 13:1 …there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted

Your husband’s authority in the home (or your boss’s authority at work, or any other authority in your life) is Christ’s authority.  Disobeying, rebelling against, or being disrespectful to your husband EQUALS disobeying, rebelling against, and being disrespectful to the Lord Jesus Christ.
If you leave your kids home alone, and when you leave you point to one of them and say, “He’s in charge until I get back.  I want all of you to listen to him and to do what he says.”  If you come back home and find out that they did not listen to him, they are in trouble for disobeying… you.  The Lord has pointed to the authorities in our lives and said, “They are in charge until I come back.  Listen to them and obey them.”  And if we don’t, we are guilty of rebellion against Christ.
The Supreme Authority in the universe has placed your husband into the role of head of your home, and has commanded you to submit to honor that.
Are there any authorities in your life that you have not submitted to with proper respect given the source of their authority?  Learn to take delight in submitting to them, because in doing so you are submitting to the Lord Himself.

Day 4: Male Responsibility
So what does it mean to be in authority?  It means you are the one ultimately responsible for the decisions that are made in your realm of responsibility.  It does not mean making every decision yourself.  It just means you are responsible for what is ultimately done.  Just like in the military, or in a corporation, the one in authority is responsible for what takes place under him.  You may delegate most of the decision-making to those under you, but you are still responsible for what they end up doing.  If you do not delegate enough, not everything gets done, and you are responsible for that too.  But if you delegate too much, you abdicate your responsibility.
Being in authority also means if there is a disagreement between you and someone under you, it is your decision whether you will go with that person’s opinion or your own opinion.  Sometimes a man will make a decision that goes against his better judgment just to make his wife happy.  And that is not necessarily always a bad thing.  When you weigh the pros and cons of a certain course of action, and the scales are tipped slightly toward option B as the wiser course, but your wife really, really wants option A, so then you factor in her happiness into the equation it might tip the scales the other way so that the wiser course is now option A (because of the added benefit of making your wife happy).  So you go with option A.
But even when you do something because your wife wants it, men, it is still ultimately your responsibility.  So if option A turns out to be a disaster, you do not hold your wife responsible.  You do not come to her and say, “See, I knew this would be bad.  Why did you pressure me into it?”  That is not the response of a leader.  It was your decision, and so you are responsible.
And so if the husband is convinced there are going to be dire consequences for the family, or a certain course would not be pleasing to God, there are some times when he needs to just overrule his wife and say, “No, we are not going to do that.”  The reason Jesus is working to sanctify His bride, according to Ephesians 5, is so that He can present her to Himself beautiful and unstained.  There is good reason to believe that that implies that husbands will also have to present their wives to the Lord on Judgment Day.  We know that Paul was going to have to give an account for those under his ministry and present them to the Lord (2 Cor.11:2), and that all church leaders are going to have to give an account for those under their ministry (Heb.13:17); so it is not a stretch to assume husbands will have to give an account to the Lord for how they led their wives and families. 
Are you ready for that?  What is the most important change you would hope to make before having to give an account to the Lord?

Day 5: The Blessing of Having a Head over You
What a blessing it is for wives not to have to carry that burden of responsibility!  When you and your husband are deciding about some big purchase or some really hard decision, nothing is more freeing and relaxing than to give all your input and offer your best counsel and then just relax, knowing God has not placed on your shoulders the final responsibility for the decision, and resting in the fact that you can fully trust God in the matter no matter what your husband decides.  Whatever decision your husband makes – that is God’s will for you.
Your husband cannot do that.  He has to bear the weight of responsibility.  He can have some level of peace depending upon how sure he is that what he is doing is best, but he cannot really know with absolute certainty.  He has to concern himself with whether or not it is a good decision.  But the wife is free from that final responsibility.
How tragic it is that God has given women this wonderful gift, and so many women have refused it, and have chosen instead to live a life of massive anxiety and needless stress.  They feel like the responsibility to keep the family afloat rests on them, and so they have to figure out a way to manipulate and cajole their husbands into doing what they think is best.  And when he does not do it they worry and fret and stress and panic and complain and sometimes even nag.  And none of it is necessary.   “But what if he makes a bad decision?  What if he runs the family into the ground or into bankruptcy?  What if we lose our home?”  When a woman thinks she has to badger her husband into doing what she thinks is best because if she doesn’t, things will end in disaster - when a woman thinks that way she is thinking that way because she believes that her seizing control is a valid option.  She is like a driver’s ed instructor who has his own brake pedal on his side of the car, so if things start to go really bad he can take over.  And he will never just go to sleep and let the student drive, because he has to constantly watch to make sure nothing bad happens.  Some wives are like that – they are over there with their foot an inch from the brake pedal, keeping a constant watch on what their husband is doing, and if things start to look bad they feel like they need to take over.
And they think that way because they believe seizing control is an option.  It isn’t.  God has not given you that as an option, and coming to grips with that can save you a whole life of anxiety. 
What does Scripture say about dangers that are outside of your control?  Don’t worry.  Trust God.  If it is something within your area of responsibility, then you need to concern yourself with it.  But if it is outside your area of responsibility, just relax and trust God.  If it is something you have no control over, there is no value in worrying about it.
You don’t stay awake at night thinking, “What if the clouds and the wind make the wrong decision?  I had better keep guard in case I have to step in and seize control and make sure they go the right direction so that no tornados hit our house.”  You do not get ulcers worrying about how you can step in and prevent Russia from doing something foolish in the conflict with Georgia.  Even the worst control freak realizes that those things are outside of her control. 
When you are content to leave those things in the hands of God, but you cannot do that with your husband’s decision-making, that usually means that you are under the mistaken notion that it is your role to oversee your husband.  You want to be a mother to him rather than a wife.
“But his bad decisions have an impact on me.  If we go broke, it affects me.  If we do not raise our children the right way, that affects me and my children.  His bad decisions can cause suffering.”
True. But so can the weather.  A tornado can really turn your life upside down – or even end it.  But you don’t worry about whether or not you should step in and take charge of the weather because you know it is not your place to control the weather.  The reason you struggle with controlling your husband is because you think that is an option.  And you think it is an option because you have the power to do it.  Trying to control the weather never works, but trying to control your husband sometimes does.  If you apply enough pressure, you can gain control of your husband and get him to do what you think he should do.  And so you watch over him like a mother watching a toddler, and you let him function as the head of the home as long as he does not do anything too threatening, but as soon as things look like they might not go right you jump in and take control.
After you have participated in the decision-making process in a proper way, and your husband then makes the decision – that final decision is something that is outside your area of responsibility.  And if you are unfamiliar with what Scripture teaches about things outside of your control, it is real simple – trust God and do not worry.  God is in full control of those things, and He promises to work all of them together for your good.  That promise is in Romans 8:28.  If a tornado hits your house, it is for your good.  If the doctor tells you your child has an inoperable brain tumor, it is for your good.  If your computer crashes every 20 minutes all day long, it is for your good.  And if your husband makes some really foolish decisions that send you into bankruptcy, it is for your good.  You can trust God to be doing you only good no matter what happens to you.
Why do you suppose God appointed someone as head of your home who cannot even see into the future?  Why did God appoint a fallible, sinful human being who does not always know the right thing to do?  Why put someone like that in charge?  Because that forces both husband and wife to have to trust God.
There are a lot of women who understand all about trusting God when it comes to the weather and sickness and things that are clearly in God’s hands.  But they struggle to think of their husband’s decision making being in that same category.  But it is in exactly the same category.  And men – this also applies to the crazy things your boss does to you.  The actions of those who are in authority over you are gifts from God designed only for your good.  All of them.  100% of them.  Even the ones that cause you pain.  Even the ones that are based on human foolishness or ignorance or sin.  God will hold that authority responsible for his sin, but He will also see to it that it works out for your highest good.
If you cannot trust God to take care of you even in the case of foolish decision-making on the part of your husband, then placing yourself under his authority is a terrifying thing to do.  If you think your well-being is in your husband’s hands rather than in God’s hands, then you will be so afraid of what might happen that you will never be able to submit.  That is why the passage on submission in 1 Peter 3 ends by saying, “Don’t give way to fear.”  How do you do that?  How do you overcome the fear?  The same way the holy women of the past overcame fear.

1 Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands 
5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

How did they conquer fear?  Do you see it there in verse 5?  They put their hope in God.  They did not put their hope in their husband’s ability to make good decisions.  Nor did they put their hope in their own ability to coach their husbands into making good decisions.  They put their hope in God.  And according to verse 1 that works even if you have an unbelieving husband.  God will take care of you and guide you and place you just where He wants you to be by means of the ungodly, foolish decision-making of an unbelieving husband.  You just need to have enough faith to believe that God is powerful enough to carry out His good plans for even through your imperfect husband.  Then the fear is erased, and nothing is left but rest and peace.